Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.
Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.
Dear Ms. Vicki,
I really hope this will be the Christmas that my boyfriend proposes to me! My Army boyfriend and I have been together 10 years and we have two wonderful children together.
I left college early so that I could support him in his career and because I was pregnant with our daughter. We live together, and he takes good care of me and our two kids.
He cheated on me during a deployment and I forgave him. It’s not that I accepted it, but I figured he was gone for almost 15 months and no woman should expect her man to be faithful for 15 months. He is likely to be with someone if the opportunity presents itself and it did. I’m over it, and my boyfriend is too.
I want to be married. I want to be his wife. When I talk about us taking the next step, he gets upset and defensive. He says, “What’s the rush?" Then other times he will act like he is ready, like I’m the best thing to ever happen to him. By the end of the week, he’s back to his usual self and says, “We are young, we have time: blah, blah, blah, blah.
How long should I wait, Ms. Vicki? Am I getting my hopes up for nothing? I have been with him for so long and I have been through so much with him. It seems the right thing for me to do is to wait for him to marry me.
Is my waiting in vain? How do I get him to at least discuss marriage and agree to marry me? What do you think, Ms. Vicki? Will this be a Merry Christmas for me?
Put a Ring on It.
If you are hoping for an engagement ring under the tree, this won’t be a HO HO HO Merry Christmas for you. NOPE. No way. Trust me: He will never marry you. This is as plain as a bag of M&Ms: You are a “baby momma.” That’s it. You probably should get used to it.
I regret that I must be so blunt and I don’t mean to make any disparaging remarks against you or to be mean in any way. However, I became more concerned about you with every sentence of your letter.
Let’s take a look at some of your concerns. First, you left college so you can support your boyfriend in his Army career…as his girlfriend? Wrong answer! That’s the first mistake. There is no way you should have left college to support him as his girlfriend; you should have insisted on being his wife. PERIOD.
Second, you have been living with him as his girlfriend, so you don’t really have access to any military services: health care, commissary privileges, PX or any other military resources. This is not good. Now you have child No. 2 ... while you are still a “girlfriend.” WRONG!
Third, you have put up with him cheating and you made excuses for his actions: WRONG again! This guy will stay with you because you are so easy but he will never marry you.
So he gives you a ring, so what? If both of you were serious about taking your relationship to the next level, you would get a marriage license and run to the JP and do it.
Listen, this guy is too comfortable. Granted, I’m sure he likes his life with you but he doesn’t have a reason to change, he doesn’t have an incentive to marry you. Men marry the woman “they can’t live without”. Right now, he’s satisfied just “being with you.” This is 4realtalk!
Trust me on this one. Where do you go from here? Well, start with “you.” You must figure out why you are willing to stay with someone who is not going to marry you. You have to work on your self-esteem and ways to build your confidence and self-worth. Remember, you said want to be married. You want to be a wife. That won’t happen with this soldier.
|Family and Spouse|