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He's Living With His Mom and Won't Support His Family

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I have been married to my husband for four years, and we have been together for seven years. We went through a bad separation in 2014. He moved out of state, and I had to move in with my family. I have two boys from a previous marriage.

I had to sell our home because we were so far into debt the bank was about to take possession of it. He refused any support and wouldn't help pay off debts that had occurred during the marriage. I paid off most of the debt.

We started working on saving our marriage in October 2014. He deployed in February 2015. I have stood beside him and have stayed true to our marriage. He cannot say the same.

I asked for financial help while he was deployed. He has sent a little money here and there, but I have to beg and beg for him to help me. He is back from deployment now and he is getting BAH for us, and he lives with his mother and has no housing expenses.

I want our marriage to work and don't want to cause him any trouble, but I need help from him! He takes the utmost pride in his military career, and his battalion speaks very highly of him. I just need the same effort put into our marriage.

I'm at a loss and don't know what to do or who to contact to try to get us help!

Sincerely,
I Don't Know What To Do

Dear Don't Know,

It sounds like he is allowed to take the easy way out and you get the stress of the finances, bills, foreclosures, children, etc. while he sleeps at his mother's house.

This is not right, and he can't leave you and your children without resources.When he married you, he knew you had two children from a previous relationship and he accepted them too. He doesn't get to deploy or go to different duty stations without providing for his family.

Now, you said you want your marriage to work, but I'm not sure if he wants the same thing. There should be some sign the two of you are working on your marriage, but I don't see that. It sounds like you don't know what in the world is happening right now, but for some reason you are still riding along on his train.

Either he wants the marriage or he doesn't. If he does, then he should show it. Otherwise, everything is in his favor right now and he can do as he pleases. He doesn't even have to acknowledge you or your children. He's not treating you well at all. How can he lay at his mother's house receiving BAH and not send you consistent financial support? He's very wrong on this issue.

I think you should talk to him again. Tell him you need a debit card with access to his checking account or tell him that you expect him to put money in your checking account every time he is paid. You need this in writing, otherwise he can continue to skip around on this issue. You should have the base or post legal office write you an agreement.

Otherwise, it sounds like you and your husband are separated, and you shouldn't be surprised when he asks for a divorce. This may be an issue for his command. Most spouses are like you, they don't want to get the service member in trouble, but you have to do something.

I also think you need legal advice. If you live near a military installation, you should make an appointment with legal services. Most of them have walk-in hours.

Write me again with an update. I hope you and your children are doing well.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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