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Friend Who's Dating a High Schooler Disrespects Her Soldier Husband

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I'm writing to you to ask your opinion on what you think I should do about my best friend's behavior. She is a civilian without a real connection or understanding of military life. She has been my best friend for quite some time now, and we are very close.

My husband left the Army about a year ago and recently decided that he wants to rejoin. My husband and I have been quite stressed but happy about this decision as we are expecting our first child and believe this path will be more financially stable for us.

We have been really struggling financially and emotionally since he got out, and my husband has not been adjusting very well. When we informed our families of this decision, they were very supportive. But when I told my best friend, she sort of freaked out on me. She said something along the lines of, "Really? Why? What about the baby? It's going to be really hard to have him gone during your pregnancy. Why would he do that?"

I quickly explained that we think this is the best decision for our family and that even though he will be away for a little while, I will have his love and support and help from our parents until things settle down. She had all sorts of things to say about that. Her new boyfriend kept saying, "That's a good way to get sent to Afghanistan and get shot." I think that's just an incredibly inappropriate and inaccurate statement.

I guess they don't realize not everyone in the military will see combat and that there are many great jobs in the military. I don't even want to tell her that there is a possibility that he won't be able to be there for the birth of our son because I feel that she will try to make him feel even worse. She and her boyfriend continue to make snide remarks, and I don't even know how to call them out on it.

We are both 22 years old. Her boyfriend hasn't graduated high school yet, but he still should know better.

Most of what she says that's rude or ugly is directed at my husband. She calls him rude names and questions his manliness; she even drew male genitalia in the dust on the hood of his car. I am beyond furious and confused by her passive-aggressive behavior.

To make matters worse, it seems like every time she gets a new boyfriend, she turns everything into a competition. She tries to point out how her relationship is so much better than mine, saying things like, "Oh look, he pulls out my chair and makes out with me in public."

I am at a loss as to what to do. Part of me says to just ignore that sort of behavior and hope for the best since we do not see each other much, but the rest of me is fed up with her. She has children. We have jobs. We are adults. This should not even be an issue. What are your thoughts?

-- Resent My Hateful Friend

Dear Friend,

Girl, Boo -- really? She's 22 years old with children and dating a boy who is still in high school, but she's impressed that he knows how to pull a chair out for her? That's laughable!

Honestly, she's a hater and she's H8'N on you and your husband! She wants you stuck like she is.

Your husband wants to rejoin the Army, and to her this represents stability, travel, benefits, etc. -- and you're married. This is all more than she has and she resents that. If you plan to stay friends with Little Miss H8'N, you need to have a talk with her. If she is really a friend, she should understand that you would like to have her support and not her condescending remarks.

Next, tell her that you are quite confused and hurt by the husband-bashing she does at your husband's expense. Tell her that you love your husband and your friendship with her is based on how she treats him.

Here's the deal: She doesn't understand this because she is not married and it sounds like she flip flops from one relationship to the next. This could mean that you two are on different levels, with different levels of maturity, and that maybe you are heading in different directions. If this is the case, this could be the end of your friendship.

At any rate, tell her to stop talking negatively about the man you love. Let me know how this works. Thanks so much for writing me.

-- Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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