He Wants Us to Join the Swingers

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I need your help or your advice in a hurry. My husband told me he wanted a threesome for his birthday, and I agreed because he was constantly complaining that we didn’t have any excitement in our bedroom.

I figured I had to do whatever necessary to keep my husband happy because there are many times when he is away for different schools, training and other things. If I’m not keeping him happy, he may get his needs met with someone else.

Ms. Vicki, now my eyes are open to a new revelation. There is a military community of Swingers! When I read your letters and advice to people, I believe you think the military community is an “uptight,” “moral” place, but it’s not.

Now my husband wants us to hook up with couples of all ranks across the military. I feel like this is going too far, but I want to keep my husband happy.

I don’t want to be like a lot of couples who are bored with each other. I don’t want to be a crying wife who just found out her husband has been cheating on her. I’m a small-town Alabama girl who was raised with morals and values. I know my mother would not be happy if she found out what I was doing.

I just want me and my husband to keep our business between us and not let this spiral out of control. Then everything would be OK.

We are already discussing boundaries with other couples, like discussing with each other before we are intimate with anyone. My husband would have to know who I am with sexually and vice versa.

In six months, we have been with only two other couples, and so far so good.

Ms. Vicki, I don’t want you or your readers to pass judgment on me because I am an adult who can make her own decisions. I only need you to help me think of all the things that could go wrong in this situation and how to negotiate with my husband about our interactions with other couples.

We have a big party next month with several other couples at a resort. I’m very nervous but excited at the same time. Please help me sort out the important issues of this situation ASAP.

Sincerely,
Alabama Girl

Dear Alabama Girl,

Thank you for writing me to help you negotiate with your husband about this important issue in your marriage. Of course you don’t want to be judged, nobody does.

However, from the tone of your letter I get the impression that you are already in above your head. Before you know it, you will feel like you are facing the strong waves of an ocean riding in a canoe.

In reading your letter, it appears that you are thinking about only one thing: Making your husband happy.There are some other things I think you should think about.What if this is not enough to make him happy? Suppose he wants more? More women, more tricks, more of this or that. What will you do then?

What about sexually transmitted diseases? You have to realize that you may have a big mess on your hands. About three or four years ago, I had a letter from a swinger couple and the wife became pregnant by another man. What would happen if you got pregnant now?

Listen, you are an adult, but I think you are hesitant about this situation. You know you are “in over your head.” You said your mother wouldn’t be proud of you. Again, I know you’re a grown woman, but when you know it’s something your mother wouldn’t be proud of, that’s a big reason not to do it.

In your defense, every woman wants to please her man -- including me. Honestly, I try very hard too. Then again, I wouldn’t let myself get into a situation that I am ashamed of just to make my husband happy. Furthermore, I wouldn’t put my health and safety at risk to make him happy either.

As a married woman, I don’t think you should invite other people into bed with you and your husband. That’s what so special about being married to one person. You can share and explore the heights of intimacy together. If you invite other people into your bed, you will lose that.

If I were you, I would forgo the trip to the swinger resort next month. Spend the time connecting with your husband one on one. Your husband has an empty space or a hole in a significant place emotionally that he is trying to fill up by having sex with multiple women.

Moreover, you could be having more marital problems that you realize. This could be a reason for the big shift or focus on bringing other sexual partners into your marriage in order to avoid spending time solving major marital issues.

For this reason, marital counseling would also be my recommendation to provide support for you and your husband to strengthen your marriage.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, is married to an active-duty Soldier and has three sons. She has a Master's of Science in Social Work from the University of Louisville, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and currently works as a therapist with military servicemembers and their families. She provides services for a wide array of concerns such as combat stress, PTSD, couples and marital problems, depression, grief and loss, stress and coping.

Ms. Vicki also writes an advice column "Dear Ms. Vicki" that appears in the Washington Times, the Fort Campbell Courier and the Heidelberg Herald Post. Ms. Vicki also hosts an internet radio show and blogs on her community site with the Washington Times. If you want to ask Ms. Vicki for advice about your military life, please email her at AskMsVicki@military-inc.com.

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