Another Cannes of Worms

Military.com - Tom Miller

May 27, 2008

Memo: To Editor, Military.com

From: Tom Miller, Entertainment Columnist

Re: Another Cannes of Worms

Hi Boss,

Well, it's over. Yeah, it would be the 61st Cannes Film Festival. Finished up Saturday. Two weeks of sun, surf, skin, and screenings. Of course, I wasn't there. Again.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. And, Indiana Jones isn't too old to be chasing Nazis all over creation.

Yes, I wanted to cover the Festival. And, yes, my request could have been more subtle. By calling attention to questionable accounting practices, I opened up another Cannes of worms for you to deal with. I apologize for that. And, I thank you for reconsidering my tenure at Military.com.

As for the Festival itself. . . well, the French say it best: plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose. It's not the kind of thing one hears out here in Hog Heaven, U.S.A. But, I spent all winter polishing up my French. Of course, I'm not complaining. And, Hollywood doesn't hate George Bush.

Roughly translated, it means that if you've seen one Cannes, you've seen them all. Oh, some things were different this year, but they were mostly cosmetic. Michael Moore bathed, but he didn't shampoo. Or, shave. That sort of thing.

The salient things remained constant. The movies in competition were mostly dull and pretentious. The stars on the Red Carpet were mostly gorgeous. The starlets on the beach were mostly naked.

How do I know? From diligently reading the press accounts and blogs and studying the wire photos since I was not one of the 4,000 journalists on hand for the Festival. Did I mention that I'm not complaining? And, Mischa Barton's not sexy.

What did I learn from all this research?

~ Well, I learned that the new Indiana Jones ("Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull") is derivative and dull. Or, so say the critics. But, they're just mad that nobody pays any attention to them. They know that regardless of what they say, every man, woman, and child on Earth is going to see "Indiana Jones." Some more than once.

The movie's 65-year-old star, Harrison Ford, wasn't surprised by the criticism. "I expect to have the whip turned on me," he told a Cannes press conference. I assume he was talking about the critics and not companion Calista Flockhart.

See, that's one of the problems with covering an event from a distance. It's hard to tease whimsy out of a press conference transcript. Not to mention irony and wistfulness. But, I'm not complaining. And, Ally McBeal didn't wear skirts up to heaven.

~ Director Steven Soderbergh screened his docudrama on revolutionary icon and t-shirt fixture Che Guevara at the Festival, and at 4 ½ hours, it's longer than "Gone with the Wind." One critic called it "elephantine," and predicted that its box office would be approximately "nada." My review, if I had been there to review it, would have said, "un peu."

(As you can see, Boss, I was prepared. That's why it was so disappointing to be denied again. But, I'm not complaining. And, Steven Spielberg isn't as rich as Croesus.)

~ As usual, the films presented in competition were mostly gloomy. As it turns out, the top prize went to "Entre les Murs" ("The Class"), a French entry about a year in the life of suburban Parisian students. Doesn't MTV already do something like that? But, set here at home?

~ American director Quentin Tarantino ("Pulp Fiction"), who gave the Cinema Masterclass at this year's Festival doesn't think much of film school and advised those considering it to save their money. Turns out that Tarantino not only didn't do film school, but he also didn't do high school. How's that working for him?

~ There's not going to be another Dirty Harry movie. 78-year-old Clint Eastwood, in town to screen "Changeling," his newest movie, noted that "there are certain things you have to be realistic about." (The right props can hide a lot, Clint. A whip here. Leather there. And nobody's looking at the crow's feet. Of course, Dirty Harry would need different props.)

~ The gnomes in accounting will never approve expenses for me to cover Cannes. A cab ride from the airport cost $130. A bottle of water fetched $12. A cup of American coffee, $13. A glass of Champagne, $40. Mon Dieu. Kind of makes backdated stock options look like a bargain.

You know, Boss, had I actually been on the scene, I probably could have written an expose on these prices. Made them a metaphor for decadence. Or, worse. I remember that my father was never the same after people started paying a buck for a bottle of water. He just lost his faith in people.

I was the same when Starbucks founder P.T. Barnum proved that people would pay 4 bucks for a cup of coffee. Now, the French are asking $13. Military.com could have had that story. But, don't think that I'm complaining. And, Brittany Spears isn't an exhibitionist.

~ The celestial, but naughty, Mischa Barton has moved to Paris. France, not Texas. After that nasty incident in L.A. in December - something about drunk driving and marijuana possession - I guess that she needed a change of scenery. Anyway, the French aren't nearly as judgmental as Americans. (See Roman Polanski below.)

Ms. Barton motored down from Paris and announced upon arrival that Cannes is "always good fun." See, it's true: Girls just want to have fun.

~ Mischa had lots of celebrity company in Cannes: good, bad, and criminal. Woody Allen showed up with wife/daughter Soon-Yi to screen his latest confection, "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." Catchy title.

Speaking of perverts, director Roman Polanski dropped by to help kick off Marina Zenovich's documentary "Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired." If you've forgotten, Polanski fled the U.S. back in 1978 after being convicted of having sex with a 13-year-old girl. He was a youthful 44 at the time. Proving yet again that boys want their fun too.

The French, of course, welcomed him with open arms. Those provincial Americans. So hung up over sex. Film-maker Zenovich manages to lay most of the blame for the whole messy affair on the sensationalist media and a troublesome judge.

Mike Tyson came to promote a documentary called simply "Tyson." The former heavy-weight champ and ex-con (another rape conviction; at least Tyson did his time like a man) told the press that he was in rehab when director James Toback called about making a documentary. "It's not like I was going anywhere, or doing anything," Tyson noted.

The early word is that Toback's profile of Tyson is sympathetic. Who knew? Here's a guy who was once known as "The Baddest Man on the Planet." Let's hope Toback doesn't blame Evander Holyfield's ear for Tyson's troubles.

Jude Law was there. No report of a nanny sighting.

Lots of eye candy graced the Red Carpet: Penelope Cruz! Natalie Portman! Gwyneth Paltrow! PETRA NEMCOVA! All looking !!

Then, there was Cannes favorite Michael Moore, looking every bit the antidote for glamour. The only way to explain the French fascination with Moore is to recall their obsession with Jerry Lewis.

Richie Havens, the musician whose last known gig was at Woodstock in 1969, was invited to sing "Freedom" by Sean Penn, who chaired this year's Festival jury. Yeah, that Woodstock. Four days of hedonism and nihilism forty years ago. Baby Boomers like Penn still speak reverently about it. Havens told the press that the invitation to perform at Cannes was a surprise. Richie, we can relate.

~ All those celebs needed something to do when they weren't walking the Red Carpet, talking to the press, and attending screenings. So, they did what celebrities do: Party!

There were parties galore. Day and night. Inside and out. On land and on sea.

The Japanese talent and film conglomerate Avex coughed up $3 million for a glittery affair complete with a Tibetan chanteuse. (Yeah, boss, I thought that looked like an oxymoron too, but I double-checked. I wonder if the Dalai Lama knows. But, then, he's pretty busy these days trying to deal with those pesky Chinese.) Starlet Rachel Leigh Cook showed up in her Halloween costume. At least, I think it was her Halloween costume. Either that or the mirror in her room was broken.

The Weinstein brothers threw a bash on the beach that included burlesque dancer Dita von Teese. Is there a theme here?

There's flashy. There's trashy. And, then, there's classy. Billionaire investor Ron Perelman held an elegant affair on his Ultima III yacht in the Cannes harbor. Guests included media mogul Barry Diller and Goldie Hawn.

So, Boss, that's about it for the 61st Cannes. By now, the tents have been taken down, the Red Carpet rolled up, and the stars have all gone home. Which is where I've been all along. Of course, I'm not complaining. And, O.J.'s not guilty.

Au revoir,

Your Award-Winning Entertainment Columnist

***************************************************************

Memo: To Tom Miller

From: Editor, Military.com

Re: Another Cannes of Worms

Hi Tom,

Good Cannes wrap-up. We're running it today. See, you didn't have to be there to cover the Festival. And, we saved a bundle. Thirteen bucks for a cup of coffee!

The accountants are happy. You'd think it was visiting day at San Quentin. And, the executives are even happier. Everything we save on covering the news means more for stock options.

Anyway, it's good to have you back onboard. I never intended to fire you. I was just trying to get your attention. So, call off your Mom. I know she's the one sending all those petitions demanding that we bring you back.

And, about that journalism award: Get over it. Nobody cares about high school.

Again, welcome back.

Ed.

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Copyright 2008 by Tom Miller