You Can't Make Someone Love You

Ask Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I am 22 years old and my military husband is 24. I call what my husband is doing “infidelity.” He calls it "catching up with old friends."

In February, I returned from a vacation home when I saw that my husband had been on the phone and Skype for hours with his ex-girlfriend at outrageous times in the morning (12 a.m. to 2 a.m.). My husband says all they were doing was “catching up.” I was livid and heartbroken to say the least.

Cut to the present: he shipped me (pregnant) and our 3-year-old son home for good while he finished his last couple of months at that duty station. I was forced to live on my mother's couch because he didn't think we could afford housing at the time. I did not argue because he was the only one bringing in any income.

Well, things took a turn for worst. He stopped sending money for us to live on. He started going out with his single buddies and even helped a friend cheat on his wife. Now he tells me he wants a divorce because I’m too emotional and dramatic. We haven’t even been married a full year yet. What can I do to help this marriage and gain trust/faith in him again? Or is it too late for our young love?

Sincerely,
Young Love

Dear Young Love,

I’m heartbroken to hear about this too. You are married with a young child and pregnant with your second child. Now you are home with your mother and your husband decides that he doesn’t want to be married anymore because you are too emotional and dramatic? It sounds like your husband is immature and impulsive too.

This may be a hard pill to swallow, but here’s the deal: You can’t make someone love you who doesn’t. Furthermore, you can’t force a person to stay with you who doesn’t want to either.

This is serious and so unfair to you, your children and your mother. Your husband cannot leave you and your children destitute. He has to help provide financial support. I hope he will come to his senses and hopefully realize he needs to grow up and do the right thing. You need an attorney.

You also need to keep in mind that you deserve to be happy and you can’t be happy if your love is not reciprocated. Counseling would definitely help you and your husband. I know he will probably refuse, but you should still seek the help of a professional counselor or therapist.

Contact Military OneSource and they will connect you with a counselor in your local community. The services will be free to you. Their number is 800-342-9647.

It’s not too late to save your marriage and rebuild the trust, but your husband will need to wise up really quickly. It will take two people who are willing to work together to make the marriage work.

Somehow, you will have to start working on a plan to have your own “roller skates.” You can’t allow yourself to be in situations where you put your needs and wants last, simply because you don’t earn an income. Let me hear from you when you can.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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About

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, is married to an active-duty Soldier and has three sons. She has a Master's of Science in Social Work from the University of Louisville, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and currently works as a therapist with military servicemembers and their families. She provides services for a wide array of concerns such as combat stress, PTSD, couples and marital problems, depression, grief and loss, stress and coping.

Ms. Vicki also writes an advice column "Dear Ms. Vicki" that appears in the Washington Times, the Fort Campbell Courier and the Heidelberg Herald Post. Ms. Vicki also hosts an internet radio show and blogs on her community site with the Washington Times. If you want to ask Ms. Vicki for advice about your military life, please email her at AskMsVicki@military-inc.com.

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