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Vicki: Pregnant Girlfriend, Married Boyfriend – What Should She Do?

Ms. Vicki

Hi Ms. Vicki,

I began a relationship with a master sergeant in the Air Force shortly after my separation from my ex-husband. I quickly became pregnant and told my boyfriend about the baby. Here's the fun part: he told me that he is married but has no kids. He wants to keep me hushed because he could lose his job, retirement and obviously his wife whom he says he loves.

I feel obligated to tell his wife, but also don't want to ruin his life and leave him jobless, which really screws us all up because you can't get blood (child support) from a turnip (jobless dad). If I were married and my spouse was cheating I would want to know -- especially if she was pregnant! What do I do? Thank you, 

-- Pregnant

Dear Pregnant, 

Thank you so much for writing me with this very important question. I appreciate your letter. This is a good question. What do you tell his wife because, of course, he wants to keep everything hush-hush?

First, know that he will tell his wife that you were a "jump-off," a huge mistake, something that he did in a temporary lapse in judgment. He'll also say that you mean nothing to him and the sex meant nothing to him. In addition, he’ll say you had sex with him so quickly that he knows you are sleeping with other people, too, and that the child is probably not his. He’ll beg her forgiveness and they will both join forces against you. They will demand a paternity test. So, when you call her, be prepared for her to shut you down really quickly. 

Should his wife know? Yes, she should know that her husband is cheating and having unprotected sex and possibly fathering children outside of their marriage. But, the other woman always wants the wife to know when the husband cuts her off and stays with the wife. Statistics show that men almost always stay with their wives after they have long or short affairs. Marriages survive infidelity and terrible cheating scandals every day. Now, if he is the father of your child, he should support your child financially and emotionally. I do hope you have a very healthy baby. 

So who tells wifee? You or him? Well, you can tell her if you wish, just know that her response may not be what you are expecting. Let me know what you decide to do. 

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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