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She Can't Get Over Married Soldier

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I am English and fell in love with a British soldier, a major in the army. He told me all the things you have warned against (ie. never loved his wife, doesn't know why he married her, has not made love for eight years, cannot leave eight-year-old twins, and wanted me to wait five years until they would understand).

I got impatient after two years of waiting and wanted more of a commitment. He decided to finish it, and I was devastated.

This was three years ago, and I am still trying to get over it. I date, but I never feel the same way about the guys that I meet that I did about him.

I wish I knew how to really get over him. I miss him so much, and it’s often like a physical pain. 

Sincerely,
In Love With a Brit

Dear Brit,

A broken heart is universal. Men and women around the world know the pain of loving someone who doesn’t reciprocate the same feelings.

I think this is how you should look at this situation and it may help you: You loved him, but he did not feel the same way about you.

You deserve someone who will love you and cherish a relationship with you so much that he is willing to walk through a hot desert for days just to be with you.

You deserve someone who will stand on hot coals for hours for you, a man who will risk his own life to save yours.

You deserve a man who knows that you are the woman for him so much that he is willing to end a relationship with any other woman for you. This is what you deserve and that man is out there.

Here is another way to look at this situation that will help you: That soldier is MARRIED.You can’t have what doesn’t belong to you.

Here’s the deal: Your British Soldier is a playa. You may find out there were other women in his life besides you and his wife.

He wants his cake and ice cream and everything else. He is never going to leave his wife and kids, and this is what you probably won’t grasp: He loves his wife.

Interesting, huh? You know, research shows that only 5 percent of cheating men actually leave their wives for the other woman.

Now did you deserve this? Absolutely not. You fell madly in love with this man. But to him, you were dispensable and replaceable.

Really, I hope I’m making you angry enough at him to move on really quickly. If you had stayed with him and continued to move along with his plan, he would still be seeing you whenever he could.

After all, were you alone for the holidays or was he with his wife and children? When you were having problems, was he able to be there for you emotionally, physically and financially at the drop of dime?

I don’t think so. Some men have poor character, and some of them are officers in the military and serve their country.

Married men tell lies to women they cheat with and the other woman buys this crap hook, line and sinker. It’s all lies.

Any prudent man would want his children to see their parents in a healthy and vibrant relationship, not a miserable one. So I said all of that in hopes that you will move on when you get angry enough (not angry as in do harm to this guy but angry enough to move on), when you realize you were having an affair with a selfish married man and when you realize he was lying and using you the entire time.

My apologies for being blunt, but I want to help you move forward. Right now, you are stuck. You are probably feeling sorry for him, but you shouldn’t.

I’m not saying you should jump into another relationship right away because you have to learn what it is about you and your personality that connected you to someone who could not give you what you want in a relationship.

If you don’t figure this out, you will find yourself in the same situation again. In the meantime, don’t pass up a hero thinking about the British zero.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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