Vintage Vicki: Newlywed Spouse Woes

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I am a newlywed military wife and I am embracing this role with honor. I actually hate it when people say "Yeah you're just newlywed, you'll see soon". I'm like "Really? How about 'Wow, great attitude girl'!" :) In my heart I actually want do the things that you do, and work as a counseling psychologist or as a social worker one day. I know we have the Education centers on post to go to for advice. But will you please let me know how you made it in this career?

I know you have a Master of Social Work and I know that's what needed. But do you think it's okay to have another kind of Bachelor (like Legal Studies, for example, which can give me a job) rather than the Bachelor of Psychology (which will get me faster to the Master's, but I don't know what jobs I'll get with that) I know you're not an Education counselor, but I have a sincere desire to help people and I was wondering if you can share a few tips. Sincerely,

Sincerely,
CP

Dear CP,

I would be a great recruiter for the social work profession! We need good social workers. I think I chose the profession because it is a very portable career for a military spouse. A career in social work could open many doors for you in social policy, direct care as a therapist, prevention and education, etc. More importantly, it leads to licensure very quickly. I have a Bachelor's degree in Sociology/Psychology.

I understand your desire to get employable skills, that's important too. I don't see any problem with that at all. You can get the BA in Legal Studies and still continue with social work. I'm sure you will make the right decision and that things will work out in your favor. Please keep in touch with me along the way about your decisions.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Dear Ms. Vicki,

Me and my husband got married at the beginning of this year in Korea but he left shortly after that to come to the states, and while we were apart he started hanging out with this girl. He started ignoring my calls and not talking to me, but I had orders to come to the States in August so I thought me coming here with him would make things better. But he doesn't even kiss me, doesn't touch me or even sleep in the same bed with me. After two months of me being here with him. I found out that the girl he was just so-called "friends" with is pregnant by him. He told me he doesn't want to be with me and says he's not in love with me anymore, but I don't want to give up on my marriage so soon because it hasn't even been a year yet, but he still wants an divorce.

Sincerely,
Hanging On

Dear Hanging On,

How in the world are you supposed to make a marriage work when you husband is saying he doesn't want to be married to you any more, is detached from you both physically and emotionally, and has impregnated his girlfriend? Help me out, because I'm clueless too. Listen, you can stay and try to fight for your marriage. It's your choice. I cannot tell you to leave or stay. However, these are serious problems that are ruining your marriage. (Please know that I'm on your side and I'm not blaming you at all.) Two things to take away from this: Either you married a cheater and it's only a matter of time before he hooks up with someone else and falls in love with them. Or he is saying that he made a terrible mistake by marrying you and he wants out. Either way, this is not good for you. His behavior is disrespectful and you deserve better.

Maybe marriage counseling would help. On the other hand, if he agrees to marriage counseling or not, I would highly suggest that you consider visiting with a good therapist for support and insight. I really think you deserve better. Again, I'm not coming down hard on you, I only want what's best for you. If this woman is really pregnant and you stay with your husband you have to reconcile that this child will be a part of your life too. As a result, you cannot have any animosity towards the child because it's not the child's fault. From the tone of your letter, it seems that you wouldn't blame the child. Please take care of yourself and give me an update when you can.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, is married to an active-duty Soldier and has three sons. She has a Master's of Science in Social Work from the University of Louisville, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and currently works as a therapist with military servicemembers and their families. She provides services for a wide array of concerns such as combat stress, PTSD, couples and marital problems, depression, grief and loss, stress and coping.

Ms. Vicki also writes an advice column "Dear Ms. Vicki" that appears in the Washington Times, the Fort Campbell Courier and the Heidelberg Herald Post. Ms. Vicki also hosts an internet radio show and blogs on her community site with the Washington Times. If you want to ask Ms. Vicki for advice about your military life, please email her at AskMsVicki@military-inc.com.

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