I received many letters in response to my recent post “Five Ways You Help Him Cheat.” Readers thought I was teaching men how to cheat on their wives -- as if men need Ms, Vicki to help them cheat.
As I clearly stated, the men told me about the five ways their wives and girlfriends help them cheat. I did not make them up.
With that said, women also cheat. I can go further and say women are notorious cheaters. Men are caught cheating, but women cheaters can get away with it forever.
In counseling sessions each week, women confess to cheating on their men, What’s more interesting is that their husbands and boyfriends claim they never knew. They never suspected. They are often shocked and confused. The men typically say, “I thought she was happy.”
This is very significant because many cheaters can be happy in their relationships -- but they still cheat. This brings me to reasons why women cheat. My female readers provided these reasons:
1. The other guy shows he cares. “Ms. Vicki, I longed to be in his arms and I couldn’t wait to see him,” a client told me recently. Women often tell me that the other man is complimentary. He is attentive. He goes out of his way to show he cares. He makes her feel good about being a woman.
So, men, do you treat your wife as well as that other guy? Women, please know that compliments are great and everyone loves them, but you can’t depend on someone else to make you feel good about who you are. This grass may look greener, but it’s much harder to maintain.
2. Sexual novelty. One reader wrote, “Ms. Vicki, I’m a cheater and I feel bad about being so deceitful to my husband. But every sexual experience with my boyfriend is so exiting and new.”
Men, letting the relationship get stale kills the excitement. Women, you have to know that cheaters never really win and cheating never satisfies anyone. It will only lead to more pain.
3. The Thrill. “Ms. Vicki, right before I meet with the other man in my life, my heart starts pounding out of control. I think the adrenaline rush of hooking up with him has become addictive and the excitement of wondering if I will get away with it again,” a client said.
I can see how a person might be looking for something exciting, but you are looking in the wrong place. This excitement will be short-lived. How can it be exciting knowing that you are potentially ruining so many lives? All too soon, you will be singing B.B. King's “The Thrill Is Gone.”
4. Revenge. “Ms. Vicki, my husband cheated on me several times and his behavior ruined my self-esteem,” wrote another reader. “Now that it seems he has changed his ways, I realize that other guys want me too. Now it’s my turn to give him a dose of his own medicine. It’s so much fun!”
Men, never give your wife or girlfriend a reason to feel like she needs to get back at you. Revenge has never solved anything and has never helped anyone feel better. If someone did cheat on you first, remember how you felt when you discovered that? Revenge will only hurt “you."
5. The Too Troubled Marriage. “Ms. Vicki, I have a laundry list of problems in my marriage. We don’t talk anymore,” wrote a reader. “We don’t sleep in the same bedroom. Counseling has never helped and my husband doesn’t want a divorce. It may sound like a silly reason, but this is why I have affairs. My other man gives me an outlet in ways that my husband never will."
The truth is that contrary to popular belief, cheating has never solved any marital problems. It makes everything worse. The energy you are putting into cheating and affairs could well be spent increasing the romance and passion in your own marriage.
Cheating affects many military marriages. Whether the man is the cheater, or the woman is the cheater, or both members of the relationship are cheating in their own way does not matter. Cheating never solves the problem. It only makes things worse and worse.
|Family and Spouse Ask Ms. Vicki|
Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, is married to an active-duty Soldier and has three sons. She has a Master's of Science in Social Work from the University of Louisville, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and currently works as a therapist with military servicemembers and their families. She provides services for a wide array of concerns such as combat stress, PTSD, couples and marital problems, depression, grief and loss, stress and coping.
Ms. Vicki also writes an advice column "Dear Ms. Vicki" that appears in the Washington Times, the Fort Campbell Courier and the Heidelberg Herald Post. Ms. Vicki also hosts an internet radio show and blogs on her community site with the Washington Times. If you want to ask Ms. Vicki for advice about your military life, please email her at AskMsVicki@military-inc.com.