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My Husband Is Hiding Something

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I need your help. My husband blocked me from his Facebook page and all his accounts because he said I snoop too much in his personal business. I feel like he is my husband and I deserve to know everything.

It took me about two months of trying, but I finally figured out the password to his Facebook account. Now I'm heartbroken because he said his relationship status is "complicated." He is not even saying he is married to me.

He used to be so sharing, and now he is closed off and seems to be keeping secrets like he's hiding something. This spells trouble to me! I know something is wrong.

When I confronted him about this, he said, "Don't go looking for anything that you don't want to find." What does that mean?

I've been through everything with this man. When he was in boot camp, I was there. When he was deployed three times, he didn't even hear from his parents or his family, but I was there. He even got in some trouble about two years ago and was almost court-martialed. I could have walked out the door because I had already been through too much with him, but instead I stayed and kept trying to make my marriage with him better.

In January, we are to start fertility treatments because I want a baby so bad, but he has not been keeping his appointments. If he misses anymore, we could be taken off the list for the treatments.

It's been 6 years in this relationship and marriage, and I'm wondering if I'm just hitting myself against a brick wall and only injuring myself more.

Sincerely,
It's Complicated

Dear Complicated,

I agree with your husband on one thing. When you go looking for something, you will find it. Generally, it is not the news you were hoping for.

From your report, you have been with your husband through thick and thin and ups and downs. I totally understand that you have supported your husband, but you have given him so much that you don't know who you are anymore.

Think about it. You spend your days and nights spying on his social networks, and you will stop at nothing until you figure out his passwords to snoop and spy. Then when you find something you don't want to see, you get upset and question your relationship.

I disagree with women or men who snoop and spy. Personally, I think people who do this are thieves because you are stealing and taking something that doesn't belong to you, even if it's information. In the long run, you lose because you ruin your self-esteem. You don't have to give a person everything. No one should do that. The problem is that you can't press rewind in this situation.

So now you know your husband thinks his relationship with you is complicated. Maybe he means you are complicated, or his relationship with you is complicated. Maybe he is saying he doesn't know why he married you or why he stays with you. It is very complicated.

My recommendation is marriage therapy for you and your husband and individual therapy for you. You need support, insight and help building healthy coping skills.

You should check on post or on base for the availability of therapy services. If none are available, you can contact Military OneSource or Tricare to be connected to a therapist in your community. Check in with me later with an update.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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