Dear Ms. Vicki,
I've been in a relationship with a married man for five years. I can't believe I've accepted this for so long, but I'm confused and I don't know what to believe. At first, I didn't know he was married. Sometimes he could be so attentive, but other times he was unavailable for days or weeks. He would return with flowers, expensive gifts, money and powerful love-making sessions. He would wine and dine me and make me forget about any questions I had about our relationship. I wanted to move forward in our relationship. I wanted to get married but he kept stalling and would make up some excuse and give some reason why he couldn't marry me yet. He would say, "I love you, please wait for me," "I will marry you because you're the woman I've waited for all of my life." I wanted to believe him but I knew there was something that I couldn't put my finger on. At that point I didn't even care. I was too involved. He said he was in the process of a divorce and he wanted me to wait for him. I've been waiting and waiting. Then one day I received a knock at my door and it was "HER", his "WIFE"…staring me in my face. She introduced herself and wanted to know what I was doing with her husband. She was pregnant! In her opinion they were happily married. Everything he told me was a callous lie. Ms. Vicki, I feel like I want to get even with him because I'm so hurt. How in the world am I supposed to move on after this?
Hurt By My Married Lover
If I had a dollar for every letter I received like this one, I'd be financially independent. Much research has been done on infidelity to give explanation for the reasons why people cheat and lie to the other woman or other man about the state of their marriage. I won't try to give credence to the reasons why men or women cheat. However, women are notorious for believing lies that married men tell them. They take every word like it's the gospel of Matthew only to be disappointed in the end.
1. I wish I would have met you first because I never would have married her.
2. I haven't divorced her because of the children.
3. She's a mean evil witch/bitch, and she mistreats me.
4. I'm in the process of a divorce, but it's stalled because small technicalities or she's holding out because she wants to stay together.
5. I don't love her anymore and I don't think I ever did.
6. We don't sleep together and haven't for a very long time.
If you've heard these famous lies listed above, you have "taken the bait" hook, line and sinker. Trust me; the relationship is headed to a place called hell. In fact, the overwhelming majority of married men never leave their wives. However, here's the deal: he will continue to string you along for as long for the ride for as long as you stay on board. It's time for you to get off now! Break it off; don't accept his phone calls, text messages, Facebook messages or his Tweets. Leave him alone.
Now it's your turn to let me know what you think about this subject. Tell other women who are in this situation your thoughts and leave a message on the message board.
Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.
Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.