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Ms. Vicki: I Love Two Men

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

Living this Army life has been too stressful and hard for me. I’m not enjoying it at all. Yes, I love my husband very much, but I can’t really say I signed up to be lonely. Supportive of his career, yes, but not lonely.

I asked my husband several times not to stay in the Army, but he wouldn’t. The more he deployed and went to this training, this school, and this field exercise, the more resentful I became.

Honestly, I have become more sarcastic and cynical, too. I became more and more distant with every deployment and it’s like he never noticed.

Since then I finished a BSN and I’m working in a career that I love. I also work with great people would are very supportive of me and they are great friends too. I really look forward to going to work every day and even stay for overtime.

I have found a great support in one of the doctors that I work with. He is my friend and now he has become my lover.

Did I expect this to happen? No I didn’t, so you can’t judge me. It just happened. I am in love with another man, but I still want my marriage to work.

I know what I am doing is not right. This is a great escape from my dull boring life with my husband. The excitement of being with my new man keeps me going. Sometimes I feel like a teenager again, one who is keeping secrets from their parents.

I don’t know if I want to stop the affair and the great wild sex but my husband will be home in about eight weeks. Besides, my lover doesn’t want it to stop either. Every time I think about ending it he finds a way to reel me back into his arms again.

I have to say that I have an uncontrollable urge to be with him and I feel like he’s an addiction that I cannot stop. Can you tell me how to end the affair, or if you think my marriage is over?


Sincerely,
I Love Two Men

Dear Two Men,

I’m not sure you really want to know what I think about this situation.. Honestly, I don’t think you will take my advice but here it is: What you are doing is wrong.

You already know that, right? You must “cool your burning loins” if you intend to control this “urge” you have.

How do you do this? Well, you really have a Love Jones for this guy so you will obviously have to resign from your job. It’s no way you will be able to stop the affair if you work with him every day. The temptation will be too great.

On the other hand, you really have to resolve the loneliness and resentment that you have against your husband and his career. If you don’t resolve this you will simply move to a different job and start an affair with another man.

You have to stop calling the other man. Stop texting him. Stop Facebooking him. You have to cut all contact with him. This is not a good situation. You have really put yourself and your marriage in a mess.

From the tone of your letter I’m not sure if you get the seriousness of this issue. You are a grown woman. You should start using good coping skills and good judgment instead of acting on your feelings of loneliness.

So, you’ve strayed. But your husband is coming home soon and you want to save your marriage. I hope you really mean what you are saying. I think this would be a great time to start discovering why this affair happened in the first place and how you contributed to it.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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