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He Never Wanted This Marriage

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

My husband is in the military and has been away from home in training for 16 months. He has been distant, not communicating with me for a while.

He told me a week ago that he doesn't love me and has never wanted this marriage.

He begged me to marry him before he left for training! I agreed because I love him even though I was never really interested in marriage.

I have given everything to this relationship, working hard to communicate with him every day, only to be shut down and iced out. I would do anything to save my marriage and I am desperately looking for some advice. 

Shut Down and Iced Out

Dear Shut Down and Iced Out,

Please allow me to get straight to the point: Your husband is giving you some serious shade.

I'm concerned about this situation for two reasons: He said he doesn't love you anymore and that he never wanted to be married to you.

This is serious especially for a military spouse because I find that spouses are often caught off guard when they are served with divorce papers.

My advice is that you must move quickly to get over the shock of his words and find out what you need to do legally. Don't spend time waiting and wondering if he will come to his senses and recant all of this talk about never loving you. This may never happen.

I think your husband has moved on and you should believe him. Don't sit around thinking lightheartedly that the military will take care of you in case he divorces you. The Department of Defense is not a social services agency created with spouses in mind.

I know this is tough. You have to depend on your family and friends to help you through this situation. You deserve better. You have to believe you deserve better. Let me know what you decide to do.

Ms. Vicki

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Ms. Vicki, a native of Dallas, has been the ‘Dear Abby’ for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her column has appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Ms. Vicki has retired from writing new columns for Although Ms. Vicki is no longer offering new advice on, you can still email military benefits questions to our Questions and Benefits team. Need military spouse career help? Email our Dear Career writers.