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Enlisted Woman Pregnant by a Married Staff Sergeant

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I am in the military (SPC) and 17 weeks pregnant. The father of the child is also in the military (SSG). I met him about two years ago and thought he was handsome. He approached me and told me that he was married and that his marriage was about to end. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and continued to talk to him.

He told me that his house was about to get foreclosed and how he was in financial hardship. I believed him, and I helped. We started having sex, and about a year into the relationship I got pregnant and had an abortion. Months later, I found out that I was pregnant again.

Now I feel betrayed. He kept telling me that he was going to get a divorce, but he didn't. He claims he hasn't lived at home in two years, but why would he pay bills at a home where he doesn't live?

I helped him and let him borrow $13,000. I have a four-year-old already, I'm a single mom, and I have no additional help. I am not a homewrecker by any means, I promise.

I know that I was wrong for getting involved with him, but I feel like now he has been telling me lies from the beginning. I let him borrow all that money, and he claims that he is still broke.

I feel like a complete fool. Should I tell his wife about us? He said a divorce will hurt his career. I know adultery is frowned on in the military. Or should I just walk away? I feel like he took me for granted and now I'm mad.

Signed,
Mad

Dear Mad,

I can understand why you feel this way. This guy lied and took advantage of you in a big way. He is a loser, though I regret speaking that way about the father of your child. With that said, have you had the baby yet and where is SSG in all of this? 

He was playing you from the word go. Every married man who lays and plays says they are getting a divorce, they say they don't talk to their wives, they have not been having sex with their wives for a long time, and they love only you. They tell you that when the divorce is over, they can't wait to rush to the altar and marry you.

This never happens.

They will take your goods, impregnate you and take your money, too. They are playas, and they have no intention of leaving their wives. I'm very sorry this happened to you.

Now regarding his wife: Normally, I would say that you should leave his wife out of this, but because you are pregnant with her husband's child (and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt about this), I think she should know. Be prepared to take a paternity test and be prepared to be the single mother of two children.

Now is the time for you to guard your heart and take care of your children. Build a strong network of support with people who will be there for you and your children. Focus on you, your children and your military career.

I'm not blaming you for anything, just be more careful in the future. When a man tells you he is married, run far away as fast as your feet can take you. Hopefully, you can take this guy to court and get back the money that you loaned him. You should be able to if it was documented that it was a loan. Stay in touch and let me know how you are doing.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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