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Can Texts to Another Man End Our Marriage?

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

My husband and I are beginning the process of divorce. He found some old texts from my college years to an old friend before we were married. Now my husband wants a divorce.

I have offered to do anything to at least try and work things out, but he says he really wants a divorce.

I am currently in counseling to try and work through why I sent those texts and some other issues. I really want to work things out with my husband, but at this point I am afraid that we will get through this divorce and then he'll regret doing it.

In your opinion and experience, do you think we can ever get past something like this? Or am I just holding onto an irrational hope? Thanks for all your help and advice!

Bad Decision

Dear Decision,

In my practice, I see 15 troubled military couples every week. Would you be surprised to know that texting, sexting, Facebook and other kinds of social media play a role in their problems?

So I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I want to applaud you for discussing this with a counselor. Specifically, I think it is important for you to identify the reason that you sent the text messages to an old boyfriend.

You need to discover what that was all about because if you don't, then you will repeat the same thing again.

Honestly, I think your husband is very angry about the text messages. He was probably hurt, in shock, confused and wondering why you were texting another man.

Here's the deal: You can get past this and your marriage can survive. You have to be honest with your husband about your needs and why you were pursuing another man.

Were you flirting? Were you lonely? Were you seeking attention from another man to make you feel desirable? You have to be honest so you can resolve it. It may take some self-reflection, but you can get through it.

I think you just made an immature decision. I hope your marriage can survive.Let me know if things are better or if your husband is still pursuing the divorce. Hopefully, you are both in counseling together.

Ms. Vicki

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Ms. Vicki, a native of Dallas, has been the ‘Dear Abby’ for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her column has appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Ms. Vicki has retired from writing new columns for Although Ms. Vicki is no longer offering new advice on, you can still email military benefits questions to our Questions and Benefits team. Need military spouse career help? Email our Dear Career writers.