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Vicki Calls Out Woman Who's Angry Boyfriend Joined the Military

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years now, and he has decided to join the military.

I put up this front that I am happy about his decision, but on the inside I'm angry. I feel like this should have been a decision we made together, since it is such a very big thing to decide.

Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I being selfish?

-- Afraid to Be Alone

Dear Afraid to Be Alone,

Yes, I absolutely think you are being selfish.

Think about it: He's been with you for two years and you don't have anything to offer financially that can measure up to him joining the military. I think joining the military is an honorable decision. Yes, he could be working, he could be in college, or both. He could also do nothing but spend time with you all day, every day. That would get old pretty quickly. I think it's his career, and it's his decision to make, not yours.

More to my point, I think what is more important is that you said you are "afraid to be alone." What does that mean? Do you have supportive family and friends in your life? Are you saying that you can't be without a man? That's not good for you. He could join the military, leave for boot camp and never look back -- and I think that's what you're really afraid will happen. I think what's most important to you is what you want, not what's best for your boyfriend.

Start learning how to take the focus off him and focus on your own future instead. When he leaves for boot camp, you will have a great opportunity to start exploring your dependency on him and why you are afraid to be alone. It may be time for you to start doing you.

Let me know what you decide to do.

-- Ms. Vicki

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Ms. Vicki, a native of Dallas, has been the ‘Dear Abby’ for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her column has appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Ms. Vicki has retired from writing new columns for Although Ms. Vicki is no longer offering new advice on, you can still email military benefits questions to our Questions and Benefits team. Need military spouse career help? Email our Dear Career writers.