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Abandoned Husband: No Character, No Uniform

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

Why is it that whenever we see someone in uniform -- from any branch of service or in law enforcement -- we are told that they are held to a higher moral standard, when in reality they aren't?

In my case, a service member flirted with my wife, had an affair, and she left me for him, taking our kids with her. When you're doing everything right in your house and for your family, losing your wife and kids just isn't fair.

Of course, I understand my wife had something to do with it, but we can't blame her for everything. We can't think that she was asking for him to flirt with her. This guy knew my wife was married, but that did not deter him from flirting with her. He disrespected my home but he still gets to wear a uniform that tells everyone he is ethical and held to a high moral standard, when his morals are, in fact, very low.

Well, what's next? What if during his service he finds an excuse to steal money or drugs or kill unnecessarily?

My point is simple, if your morals and ethics are compromised in any way, then you are a threat to that service and that uniform. If you can give way to your desires and forget moral standards easily, then you should not be a part of any armed forces or law enforcement.

As moral and ethical standards deteriorate, the keepers of our freedom should not allow for any exceptions.

-- Want Revenge on My Wife's Lover

Dear Revenge,

I know this is very difficult for you, but don't take revenge on anyone. It's not worth it. It sounds like this affair destroyed your marriage and your family. This is not fair to you, and it's nothing that you asked for or expected.

I can understand that you are still in shock about the way this ended your marriage. More specifically, I believe you are experiencing a range of emotions from sadness to anger and you are grieving the loss of your wife and children.

While I understand your emotional experiences, I want to encourage you to build a support network of people who are willing to help you through this difficult time. Know that it will be difficult for the people who love you to watch you going through this. They, too, are probably angry at your wife. However, it's important for them to remain as unbiased as possible because if they show you their anger, you will have a harder time moving forward.

Again, what happened is not fair. That said, the other man is not the only one at fault here. Obviously, your wife was interested in him too. Not only did she flirt back, but she left her husband for him. Perhaps there were problems in your marriage, and the new guy in uniform caught her at a vulnerable time.

I really regret having to say this, but cheating is very common. I tell men and women every day that if you have someone in your life who is faithful, you should consider yourself very blessed. I don't wish anything bad upon her, but she may soon find out the grass isn't greener on the other side.

I've also come to realize that uniform and rank do not equal great character. Both men and women are fragile human beings and are subject to do things they never thought they would do. This applies to those in uniform, clergy, elected leaders, teachers, etc.

I encourage you to seek therapy to help you through this difficult time and I wish you the best. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. Keep in touch!

-- Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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