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Ms. Vicki: Pregnant Daughter Abandoned by Sailor

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I am reaching out to you after reading a letter you answered from a Navy wife who was abandoned by her sailor husband. My daughter is in that same situation. 

She is pregnant and due in November. Her husband is stationed in Virginia at the Oceana Naval Air Station. She is now here with me in Houston, Texas and he is still in Virginia and still an active duty sailor.

I need to know how to get help for my daughter. She is very scared to report him. He has mind control over her. He left her and the apartment they lived in and, after a finding out that she wanted to take her own life, I had my son drive to Virginia to get her and bring her back to Texas. After she left, her husband told her that he put her stuff in storage and that he would only pay for June and July and she had to pay after that. He also kept both of their cars and has no intention of giving her one.

He asks her for money all the time. He sends her texts that are very disgusting and cruel. I think he is threatening her and that’s why she is scared to report him. She has seen speculation on social media is that he has cheated on her and possibly that another woman has moved in with him.

The storage unit costs $100 a month. She is working part time and never has any money -- I know in my heart that she sends him money. He tells her that he will never give her any money. She is depressed and stressed and this isn’t good with her being pregnant. He is getting BAH and whatever extra income he gets for being married. We cannot afford to pay for what he should be paying for his wife and child. She is basically on foot, pregnant, and without any help from her husband.

What can I do? How can I explain to her that she really needs to report him? She is miserable, we are all miserable. I don’t know how to help my daughter and my grandbaby. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Daughter Abandoned by a Sailor

Dear Abandoned,

This sounds very stressful. I can tell that it is taking a toll on you and your family. It sounds like your daughter married a true character. Let me warn you that she may go back to him, especially because you said he knows how to control her. The truth is, there is a lot going on with this situation.

First, your daughter is pregnant and she needs good prenatal care. I hope she has her military ID card with her. She should call Tricare and tell them that she has moved and they will authorize her to receive medical care in her current city. It doesn’t matter that she does not live where he is stationed.

Second, you should call his commander and report him if your daughter won’t. He cannot abandon his wife and child and leave them destitute and he can be ordered to pay spousal support. If he refuses to pay, his commander can have the money taken out of his pay. You daughter should contact JAG for legal advice and contact a Victims Advocate at the naval base. They are located in the Fleet and Family Services office. They will help your daughter by working with her husband’s command and also by providing your daughter with resources. You should be able to find the phone numbers for his unit, commander and the Victims Advocate by doing an internet search. Your daughter needs to be proactive. If she isn’t, he will continue to live his life the way he wants and will never support his family. Stay in touch and let me know what happens.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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