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Can I Learn to Trust My Husband Again?

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

My husband and I have been married three years and we have a wonderful baby boy. My husband made some mistakes during his last deployment. We have worked through that, including marriage counseling.

My husband wanted to show me I could trust him by giving me his Facebook password, so I always check it.

Last night, we had a conversation about my concern that I saw him messaging another girl. They are friends, she lives nowhere near us and he is currently deployed again.

He told me that the reason he gave me his password was so that I would trust him, but that I always accuse him when he messages someone of the other sex.

I guess it's true, in a sense. I do ask for the whole nine yards. But he has decided now that he should change his password. He said I need to learn to trust him without those things.

I get the idea what he's trying to do and I agree with it. But I feel like I’ve lost control. Besides having this issue come up once in a while, we have an amazing marriage. He is my whole heart and my best friend.

How can I get over this? I'm going to therapy for myself too, especially for my self-esteem, and it is helping.

Sincerely,
Anything Would Help This Crazy Lady

Dear Lady,

You are not crazy. It can be tough rebuilding trust after something happens to violate your trust in a person, especially a spouse.

Think about it: Your spouse is the one person in the world you want to trust with your life. You want to feel this person would give their life for you in return.

Last week alone, I saw 10 couples who were having trust issues due to infidelity and social networking.

Social media offers a great way to hook up with other people and keep in touch with the side chick or side dude who is miles away or around the corner. This is what you have to know.

But you still can’t become the checker in the relationship. You can’t be constantly checking his Facebook, Twitter, emails and cell phone bill. You will be miserable if you do -- a total nervous wreck.

If you say you trust your husband, you have to realize it’s his Facebook page, his Twitter, his email, his cell phone.

I would never check on my husband. I don’t want his password to his accounts. Why? Well, for two reasons. One, what’s done in the dark will come to the light without checking. Two, if I can’t trust my husband, my marriage is over. It’s that simple for me.

Your therapist could be a supportive person to help you regain trust in your husband. I know you want to trust him and I know it’s hard for you to do so right now, but you have to start letting go of wanting control.

It’s not good for your self-esteem. I hope your husband is being truthful and faithful too. Right now, you have to chill out and depend on loving family and close friends to help you through this deployment. Stay in touch with me and add me to your wellness plan.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

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Contributor

Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.

Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.

Looking for advice about your military life? Email Ms. Vicki here. Find Ms. Vicki on Facebook here.  Find Ms. Vicki on Twitter here.

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