I am shocked at the things I hear women say to their servicemembers. In my sessions, I hear wives say things like, “It’s all about me in this relationship.” Or “I won’t support your career.” Or even, “A military wife lives a prison life.”
Many clients know that I write for Military.com. Men ask me to let women know why they make it impossible for a man to commit to them and why they don’t want to stay. I decided to gather this information over the past months from men and share the top 10 reasons why he won’t stay with you:
1. You whine too much. You are just like a baby, wah wah wah.You are very immature and infantile.You can never make a decision and when you do, you whine about it because it’s not the decision you wanted to make in the first place. Perhaps you lack confidence in yourself. In this case, you need to become more assertive. Say what you want and go after it. Stop whining and complaining.
2. You are a no pleasure zone. You are never satisfied no matter what he does for you. He’s a hard worker and you complain. He helps around the house and you complain. He buys you diamonds and you complain. He even works hard in bed and you still complain. This guy is unhappy and depressed because he feels like a failure. In the end, he will leave because he realized it’s better to be happy without you than be unhappy with you.
3. You are too possessive. You own him and he belongs to you. He’s your personal property and when you feel like it, you wear him like an accessory around your neck and show him off in public. When you are finished with him, you put him back in the closet until you are ready for him again. This guy is asking himself why he married you in the first place and contemplating an exit plan.
4. You are a vampire. You suck the life right out of him because of your dependent personality. You’re exhausting! You say you’re a high maintenance woman but your man has anemia because you have sucked him dry.
Of course, he enjoys doing things for you, but you have to learn how to be independent and do things on your own. This man is ready to leave because he is tired and exhausted. He needs a woman who will give him a little TLC for a change.
5. You tricked him! You never wanted to be a wife; you only wanted a wedding. You made him think you had it going on with a lot to offer. However, he soon discovered you had bad credit, no money in a savings account, and you even have a criminal record. Not a good way to start a marriage, girlfriend. Before you married him, you were very liberal with your loving but now you ration the cookies like he’s on a diet. What happened to you? You did a complete 180 and he’s confused. It’s time for you to be very honest and discuss what’s really going on if you want to save your marriage.
6. You are too selfish. He has to share, but you don’t. What he makes belongs to you, but what you make is all yours. This is really unfair. When I hear men voice this one, I’m really left with my mouth left wide open with amazement. How can you expect him to give everything and you give nothing? He will get tired of your selfish ways and hit the road.
7. You’re a Drama Queen. You like conflict and drama and you find ways to create mess. You watch him. You spy on him. You accuse him of doing things he’s not doing and you are paranoid, too. This guy is like like a duck in in a video arcade dodging pellets. Your guy has a cool swag, an even temperment. He hates confusion and you don’t get it. He won’t stay because your behavior is wearing him down emotionally. He needs a break from you.
8. You’re a Diva. You have caviar taste with tuna in your purse. Let me be very honest. I met with 15 couples this week, and 10 of the guys are active duty AND working part-time jobs because their wives or girlfriends are Divas. They will have new cars, high-end apartments or condos, new houses, expensive jewelry etc. Your man can’t afford all of this and you refuse to get a job and help out. In the meantime, he’s racking up a lot of debt trying to please you. He will leave because he can’t afford to be in a relationship with you.
9. You hate his mother and his mother hates you, too. His mother tried to warn him about you. You intend to make her pay every day by reminding your mother-in-law that you have all the power. He is in the middle of two of the most important women in his life. He will leave because this is way too uncomfortable and he can’t tolerate the tension. If you don’t want to lose him, let go of the power. OK, you don’t like his mother, but you can still be civil with her and let him enjoy his mother’s company.
10. You don’t respect him. There’s an old saying that “a happy wife equals a happy life.” But you make him look like a wuss -- and he won’t put up with that much longer. You disrespect him in front of his friends, his co-workers and his family. You are always mouthing off to him in a way that’s disrespectful and puts him down. Disrespect is a serious warning sign in any relationship. If this disrespect continues, your relationship will be over.
I see people change their behavior all the time. Sometimes, we need to learn a better way to treat our mates. If you recognize yourself in one (or more) of these descriptions, take it as a warning sign and move toward change today.
|Ask Ms. Vicki Family and Spouse Military Divorce|
Ms. Vicki is a native of Dallas, has been the Dear Abby for the military community since her column began in 2005. A licensed therapist and licensed clinical social worker, Ms. Vicki holds a Master of Science in social work and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology.
Ms. Vicki appears regularly on Military.com and in the Fort Campbell Courier. Her column has also appeared in the Washington (D.C.) Times and in the Heidelberg (Germany) Post Herald. She has been featured on CNN, CBS, ABC and NBC.