Dear Ms. Vicki,
Last year, my high school crush and I reconnected as he was going through a separation. When we started talking again, he had moved in with his sister and his wife had moved in with her parents. It's still that way now.
He and I have been hanging out, and we have become very close. He says he's told his wife that he doesn't want to be married to her anymore and that he wants a divorce, but he says she refuses to get a divorce because she says it goes against God.
The other day, she told him that him not wanting the marriage makes her want to kill herself. I think that's another form of manipulation, but suicide is serious so I haven't said anything.
Anyway, he and I love each other, that's for sure. We talk all the time about wanting to have a future together, getting married and having kids. I believe wholeheartedly that he wants to be with me, but I know that I can't continue a relationship with him knowing that he's still married.
I'm questioning myself because I feel like I'm being loyal to a guy who is married to someone else, and that doesn't sit well with me. How long is too long to wait for him to get his legal situation right so we can be together?
Sincerely, Ex-Girlfriend or Future Wife
Thank you so much for writing to me and for asking this great question. A lot about your situation bothers me.
This is what I know: People get divorced for different reasons. They divorce and remarry, sometimes to the same person and sometimes to a different person.
I also know that there are some very bad marriages that leave me thinking, "Those two people should have never gotten married in the first place."
Now back to your boyfriend: He doesn't want to rush a divorce, but he's not skidding the brakes on establishing a relationship with you -- one that I'm sure is already sexual.
I'm just keeping it real. Your boyfriend is straddling the fence. He's not with his wife, but he's not rushing the divorce, either.
Plus, you are spending a lot of time with him and his family. Honestly, it can't get more out of order than that. I mean, his wife probably knows that his family is allowing his girlfriend to come to their house -- and that's hella out of order.
You have to realize that if his family will allow him to do that to her, then they will allow him to do the same to you.
All of this raises a lot of red flags for me. I don't think this guy is going anywhere. He's still too occupied with his wife. It doesn't sound like he's really even trying to distance himself from her, other than moving in with his sister. If this was really a terrible, horrible marriage, he would be rushing to get an attorney and file for a divorce.
Bottom line, my advice is for you to keep moving. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere, and definitely not any time soon. I know you have been waiting for a great guy to come along, but this guy is carrying a lot of baggage that you are not ready for.
Don't be unavailable to meet a real hero by settling for a zero. Let me know what you decide to do.
Sincerely, Ms. Vicki