Dear Ms. Vicki,
My husband and I have been together for more than 20 years and married for 16. We have had ups and downs, rough roads and smooth waters over the years.
We moved together to Georgia in 2010, got a new house, a new car, and thought we would have a new start, but that didn't happen.
Instead, things slowly got worse for us. I found myself taking a huge pay cut moving from New York to Georgia and couldn't pay my bills.
I asked for his help, and he said no. I had to file bankruptcy. I was so hurt and felt lost. I was left to go through the process alone, even though we were married and I did not get myself into the situation alone.
Then, two years ago he got orders to Florida and I chose to stay behind in Georgia because we had one child entering school and one graduating, and we own our house here in Georgia. The timing was terrible. We both agreed we would commute to see one another -- him more than me, since I would have to travel with the kids.
He began acting strangely toward me about a year and a half ago. He's verbally disrespectful, he won't go to bed with me when we are together, and he doesn't call the kids half as much as he did before. He used to call every night for about 15 minutes, which was great. Now I have to text him to tell him to call his kids, and then there's usually a three- or four-day stretch in between my text and when they finally hear from him. He does not talk to me at all. He and I only speak when it's regarding the kids.
I've found another woman's name on his bank account, and I've found charges to expensive restaurants in Miami and Pensacola. I have never been to either of those cities! He returned from an eight-month deployment on the ship back in July 2015. He refused to give me money so that the kids and I could be there to see his ship arrive.
I searched the name of the woman who is on the bank account and saw that she was posting on Facebook, on the same day he arrived, saying that "her baby is home," the ship is back and she is so happy.
He has recently told me he wants a divorce, but he has not taken any action toward getting one yet. I believe him, though. I don't know much about divorce in the military because he has always kept me in the dark when it came to his command and everything.
My question for you is, what do you suggest I do to move on and provide for myself and our kids?
-- Betrayed With No Loyalty
It is really cold-blooded the way your husband has treated you; however, I am not surprised because I hear stories like yours every day. I know hearing this does not make you feel better. If I can be honest with you briefly: It sounds like your husband left this marriage a long time ago, perhaps even before he hooked up with the woman he is with now.
Think about it: He made you file bankruptcy by yourself and left you financially on your own. It's like you haven't been married at all or received any emotional or financial support from your husband in years.
What really gets to me is the other woman is behaving like she is his wife, posting things on Facebook, etc. This is shameful.
I know you are hurting, but you have to kick in gear really quickly. You need legal advice. If he is saying he wants a divorce, he will get one. You shouldn't expect him to be considerate of you or your children, or to do right by you. He will be thinking only about himself and his new Boo.
In the meantime, you can't sit around just waiting for him to play his hand. You have to be ready and prepared with your own hand. Again, I'm sorry for all that you've been through and are going through now. I hope you have close family and friends who will be supportive for you. I know this is difficult. Please keep in touch with me.
-- Ms. Vicki