Ms. Vicki: Give Up on Him, He's Already Moved On

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

My soldier boyfriend is always talking to his female friend on the phone and when he's not on the phone with her, he is texting her. Texting turns into Facebook conversations. The next thing you know, they're having Twitter wars and tweeting all night on different timelines.

My boyfriend, Tim, thinks he is the best soldier in the world, but he has no idea how to be a boyfriend or a lover because he is always distracted by other things. He gives all of his time to his unit and to his girl best friend. I don't know where I fit in this picture.

I'm writing you because I feel like my boyfriend is not paying me any attention. He would rather talk to his friends than to me. I read where he says he loves his best friend on Facebook.

What should I do? Should I let him slide or confront him about this? I understand that he has to work a lot because he is serving his country, but when I drive two hours to visit him at Fort Benning, I would like for him to act like he's into me. I feel like I'm competing with social networks, his work and another woman. Please help!

-- Competing

Dear Competing,

I've been writing this advice column since 2005. During that time, I have noticed two things: First, the letters I receive have become more serious and more graphic. It appears that more relationships are in bigger trouble earlier now. Second, social networks cause a lot of trouble in relationships, if not ruin them altogether.

Not only do I observe this in the letters I receive, but I see this in sessions with couples too. I counsel both military couples and civilian couples. Interestingly, military couples can have some specific problems that are indicative of military culture, but they also have many of the same dynamics as civilian couples. Troubles because of social networking are an example of this.

To answer your question, I think your relationship is in trouble. If you think about it, it really doesn't appear to be much of a relationship. Your boyfriend is in love with a lot of different things, and with other people. He's in love with his career and his female best friend.

You said it yourself in your letter: He's just not that into you. You drive two hours to visit him, and he stays busy with another woman.

Listen, this is easy. He is showing you that he doesn't love you and he doesn't want you. This relationship is going nowhere. Stop calling him, stop visiting him and stop all communication with him. He probably won't notice anyway.

Find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Keep in touch when you can.

-- Ms. Vicki

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