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Who Is Most Important: Navy, Fiance or Mom?

Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than two years. We're planning to get married but, as of right now, we're still engaged. This is his first year being at his duty station, and he recently came home.

He's staying with his family, who are two hours away from me and, out of the seven days he'll be home, he has mentioned that he will try to see me only on one day. I can't help but feel sad to think that whether he is at his duty station or at home, we are still apart.

I want to be with him, but it seems as if he wants to be with his family more. I would love to spend time with him and his family, but he seems to want to be with only them. As soon as he arrived home, he came and surprised me first. But ever since then, he's been too occupied to talk. I can't get more than a few minutes on the phone.

This holiday had to be the loneliest I've ever had, and I am honestly thinking I should break it off with him. I feel like my sailor is intentionally keeping his family and me separate. We can never just be blended, no matter how much I want that. His mom isn't fond of me, so I think that's why he's doing this.

As much as I love him, I feel like I should break the relationship off because I think he's not willing to stand up for me when it comes to his mom. (Even though he says he has.)

It makes me think it will it always be the Navy, his family and then me. Or even just his family and the Navy.

-- Competing With Too Many Forces

Dear Competing,

I think you hit the nail on the head, and you have answered your own question. He cares about two things: his family and the Navy. I'm not sure where you fit in the equation.

You also give another helpful clue that explains his behavior. His mother doesn't like you. If your boyfriend is home on vacation, he wants to enjoy himself. Why would he invite you to be with his family when his mother doesn't like you? He doesn't want the conflict. You want him to stand up to his mother, but he's looking at you as only his girlfriend and not someone that he needs to defend to his mother.

Now in your defense, of course you want to see your boyfriend. That's normal. Most boyfriends would invite their girlfriend over to hang out with him and his family. Your boyfriend won't do that -- and that should tell you something. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way about you.

Think about it: He doesn't come see you, he won't invite you to visit him and he won't even call you. That's more than a red flag. I'm not trying to be the bearer of bad news, but it sounds to me like he might be hooking up with another girlfriend or two.

Your insight about his priorities is right. You will always be on the back burner and not in the forefront. I hope this helps. Let me know what you decide to do.

-- Ms. Vicki

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Family and Spouse Marriage