By Captain Gene Thomas Gomulka
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Dear Gene-Thomas,
We've been married for three years and my husband was deployed for about half of that time. The biggest problem in our marriage involves communication. I think we could be more in love if we communicated better. Do you have a few suggestions that might help?...
Mary
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Dear Mary,
The depth of a couple's love for each other can be affected by their communication skills. Couples who can't communicate well will often find themselves incapable of resolving their conflicts. A failure to resolve conflicts will impact a couple's desire to become intimate. Lack of intimacy in a marriage can increase the chances of infidelity or alcohol abuse in an attempt to overcome feelings of loneliness. The bottom line is that communication skills are very important in a relationship.
Effective communication requires both a speaker and a listener. If both partners are speaking and neither is listening, real communication is not taking place. Communication requires that one person speaks and the other person really listens.
Communication and Conflict Resolution Programs like PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) emphasize that it is very helpful, particularly when partners may be at odds over a particular issue, that one partner repeat in his or her own words what he or she heard the other partner say. Such repetition can help reduce misinterpretations and let one partner know that the other partner is really interested in what he or she really feels.
Rather than being accusatory, e.g., “You always…” or “You are just like your…,” partners should share personally how they feel about a particular situation, e.g., “I feel like I'm being taken for granted when….” Such an approach can improve communication while at the same time effectively reduce conflict.
Some people find that they can better express their feelings through written rather than spoken words. Although effective communication implies using verbal skills, writing a note to one's partner to express one's feelings may enhance communication and strengthen love.
Men are prone to employ the “silent treatment” when there is a breakdown in communication. Unfortunately, this does not ordinarily contribute to a joint resolution of problems. While there is a time for speaking and a time for remaining silent, one woman discovered that if she refrained from being “pushy” and gave her partner some “space,” her partner was more inclined to discuss an issue with her after having been given some time to reflect upon it.
While men have traditionally been portrayed as confrontational warriors and women have been viewed to be less aggressive, the opposite is often true in the realm of human relations. Women tend to be more willing and determined to address an issue, while men tend to withdraw and avoid confrontation. Unfortunately, this can create an unhealthy cycle in which the woman only becomes pushier, causing the man to retreat all the more. By understanding these differences, women can take steps to become less contentious and men can try to become less withdrawn when faced with a given problem.
Do you or your partner ever employ the “silent treatment” in an attempt to avoid confronting a particular issue? Unless problems are addressed and discussed, they will not go away, but only grow worse. Consequently, couples should avoid delaying discussion of a troubling issue for too long, or a minor problem may evolve into a major one.
Additional information about communicating effectively and resolving conflicts before they lead to serious problems can be found in The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military that can be ordered online and is also available through many military chaplains and family support counselors.
Gene-Thomas Gomulka
Columnist and author whose books are available at www.plaintec.net
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© 2005 Gene Thomas Gomulka. All opinions
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