By Captain Gene Thomas Gomulka
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Dear Gene-Thomas,
I wish my friend read your article to the military spouse in which you encouraged her husband to consult with her before making his decision about the reenlistment bonus. Unfortunately, in my friend's case, he requested and received orders to an overseas assignment without consulting his spouse only to be told by his wife that he could go while she and the children would remain in the States ...
Todd
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Dear Todd,
When we are single, we are used to deciding where we will go and what we will buy without consulting anyone. When we get married, however, we need to learn to consult with our spouse particularly in regard to major issues. Major expenditures, such as buying a house and a car, as well as major decisions about where a family will live, ordinarily need to be made jointly by both the husband and the wife.
Years ago when I was visiting a Swiss Guard friend in the Vatican, he asked me to speak in Polish to a Polish nun that cooked for the pope who was approaching his guard post. The nun knew that the Swiss Guard was married to an American of Polish descent and that they had just had a baby. After introducing myself, I told the nun that it would really be nice if the pope were to baptize their daughter. When the nun left and I translated for my friend what I had told her, he laughed and thought nothing would ever come of our conversation. It was no less than 30 minutes later, however, that the pope's private secretary called my friend and asked if it would be convenient for Pope John Paul II to baptize his daughter on Sunday morning during his 7:00 a.m. Mass in his private chapel.
What did my friend say? He told the pope's secretary that he would check with his wife and get back to him. Of course, his wife was very excited with the news and told her husband to call the secretary back immediately. That Sunday morning, Pope John Paul II baptized their daughter. Could my friend have accepted the offer from the pope without consulting his wife? Yes, but didn't his wife feel better by the fact that her husband consulted her?
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It seems to me that decisions particularly involving enlistment, reenlistment and orders need to be made jointly in cases where service members are married. For example, when the Chaplain Corps published a recruiting brochure depicting various aspects of ministry in the Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard, a photograph was introduced that depicted a minister being commissioned while his wife affixed his rank insignia. The purpose of the photo was to educate married applicants that their decision to leave their churches, synagogues or mosques, should be made in consultation with their spouses.
We no longer live at a time and in a place where husbands can make major decisions without consulting their spouses. When partners share responsibility for making decisions, no one partner can either enjoy all the praise for a correct decision or suffer the blame for a bad decision.
The shared decision-making process is interrupted when one partner is deployed and the other partner is required to “hold down the fort.” Once the deployment is over, however, individual decision-making should give way to the joint process.
If a partner feels he or she isn't consulted, particularly in regard to making important decisions, the strength of the relationship may be weakened. If a relationship is to last, both partners must feel good with the way important decisions are made in their relationship. In light of the fact that many couples find the first two years of marriage to be the hardest, it is important to develop good shared decision-making patterns early in the relationship.
Gene-Thomas Gomulka
Columnist and author whose books are available at www.plaintec.net
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© 2005 Gene Thomas Gomulka. All opinions
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