By Captain Gene Thomas Gomulka
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Dear Gene-Thomas,
My husband has been deployed more than half the time since we got married four years ago. While I don't want him to give up something I know he enjoys doing, I'm tired of being alone with our daughter who also misses him. I don't know if I can continue to cope with his absence in our lives…
Bev
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Dear Bev,
Military commissaries used to have the following slogan printed on their brown paper bags: “Military spouse – the hardest job in the military.” As troops like your husband find themselves making multiple deployments, often leading them “in harms way,” it's becoming harder and harder for families to endure these separations.
During recent testimony before the Senate Armed Services Subcommittee on Recruitment and Retention, LtGen H. P. Osman, USMC, pointed out that while recruitment is about personnel, retention is about families. In so far as over 60 percent of military personnel today are married, it's critical that military and governmental leaders be attentive to the feelings of spouses who have a major role to play in whether service members stay in or get out of the military.
While many couples enjoy the armed services with opportunities of serving and living in a variety of countries around the world, along with other benefits (e.g., education, housing, medical and dental care), other couples may find the multiple challenges involved in military life too much to endure. Before a couple decides to leave military service, however, it's important that they discuss what they will do and where they may live if and when they were to leave.
In your case, how many years does your husband have remaining on active duty before he is eligible for retirement? What are his employment opportunities if he were to leave at the end of his current contract? Are you yourself employable to help supplement your family's income? The closer a couple is to separation or retirement, the more important such questions become.
I recommend that you sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. Let him know your concerns, your fears and your hopes. Ultimately, work together to come up with a plan that will grant your husband a sense of job satisfaction while giving you and your daughter the support and love you seek.
In the meantime, recognize that there are a lot of people not only in our country, but also in war-torn countries like Iraq, that are deeply grateful for the sacrifices that your husband, you and your daughter are making to help create a better world. The lonely nights and meals, along with the missed birthdays, holidays and anniversaries that you have endured over these past years, have not been in vain.
What retired Navy Chief Petty Officer Jeff Edwards said at his retirement about his wife could be paraphrased about you and so many other military spouses: “You are a patriot - the sort of citizen that all of us should be, but so few of us are. You live with sacrifice, because you believe in the rights and ideals that your husband defends. Although you wear no uniform, you are a part of that defense - a vital link in the chain of freedom. Although you wear no medals and will reap no glory on the field of battle, you are hero in the truest sense of the word. You are a military spouse.”
Gene-Thomas Gomulka
Columnist and author whose books are available at www.plaintec.net
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© 2005 Gene Thomas Gomulka. All opinions
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