By Captain Gene Thomas Gomulka
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Dear Gene-Thomas, My husband is abusive and it’s taking a toll
on me and our two children. At the same time, however, I’m hesitant
to report him because I’m afraid he will be discharged and we’ll
suffer even more. What should I do?
Abused and Afraid
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Dear Abused and Afraid,
I deeply regret you are experiencing abuse and I commend you for
writing me. There are both military and civilian organizations that
can provide you and your family with assistance during this time
in your life. In addition to helping you make informed choices about
your particular situation, these organizations also offer medical
and mental health services, provide shelter, food, and utility payments.
About 20 percent of all women report having been assaulted by an
intimate partner in their lifetime with the vast majority still
unreported. Why do so many people tolerate abuse? Research indicates
the bond that exists between the abuser and his or her victim is
often strong and can move the victim to stay with the abuser when
the need to run for safety is blatantly obvious to everyone but
the victim. The investment that one has made in the relationship
directly impacts the ability to recognize the negative or threatening
aspects of the association. Many victims are financially dependent
on the abuser and find themselves unable to pay their own way, or
they may believe they can't make it in life without the other's
physical and financial support. Many have also allowed an abusive
relationship to stay hidden from family and friends in an effort
not to embarrass themselves or their abuser.
Some abused individuals like yourself with children keep quiet so
as not to harm their family reputation or impact the stability of
their family. In so doing, they forget that by allowing one's self
to be abused in front of one's children only paves the way for further
victimization. Allowing abuse to go on in a family also sets a negative
example that children may follow, perpetuating the abuse from generation
to generation.
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What do I and many counselors recommend that you and others involved
in an abusive relationship should do? One, understand that an abusive
individual will continue to abuse you until you stop him or her
from doing so, even if it requires you to emotionally and physically
separate yourself from your abuser. Two, don't allow your abuser
to separate you from your contact with family and friends. They
are your support system and you need them to help you maintain a
healthy frame of reference concerning your life, your relationship,
and the world. Three, if there are children in your family who are
also victims or witnesses of abuse, you need to remain supportive
and not put even more stress, pressure, and guilt on these abused
family members. Four, an abuser can change, but he/she must want
to change, and the longer he is allowed to abuse, the less likely
he is to alter his behavior. Finally, if you, your friend, or your
child is involved in a long-term abusive relationship, including
a marriage with children, again know that the abuse is not likely
to end without professional assistance.
For further information and help in this regard, speak with your
chaplain or family advocacy counselor.
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Have a question? Write Gene Gomulka at letters@plaintec.net
© 2005 Gene Thomas Gomulka. All opinions
expressed in this article are the author's and do not necessarily
reflect those of Military.com.
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