If "hotdogger" sounds like the job title of your dreams, get your resume ready. Oscar Mayer needs a driver for its legendary Wienermobile.
The yearlong position comes with a competitive salary, benefits and all the company swag you can handle. The only catch is that you'll be driving across the country in the world's most recognizable vehicle.
Even though the job posting asks for a newly graduated college senior with a bachelor's degree in journalism, public relations, communications, marketing or advertising, there are plenty of good reasons for Oscar Mayer to hire a newly separated military veteran. Finding one won't be hard either; they'll be lining up to joke about having the biggest wiener in town.
Here are our qualifications.
5. Sitting for long hours in a cramped space is our specialty.
Helicopters, C-130s and Humvees were not designed for comfort. In fact, it seems like they were designed to make people want to get out of them as fast as possible. The inside of the Wienermobile is nicer than any military vehicle. Heck, it's nicer than most military living quarters.
And driving it across the country sure beats driving Route Irish in a Stryker.
4. Parking is not a problem.
Ever see a military driver back a bus into a parking spot? A veteran driving the Wienermobile is going to be able to slide that dog into any spot, anywhere.
You might have to put up with a vet taking multiple videos of driving it in and out of a tunnel, though.
3. The Wienermobile will always be on time.
Not only will a veteran always be on time, he or she will probably show up 15 minutes early with the vehicle gassed up, cleaned and passed a 36-point privately owned vehicle inspection checklist.
A vet will have time to do all this because he or she will have driven the entire way while speeding, taking up both lanes and veering off to the sides if they see anything as large as a Coke can in the middle of the road.
2. No one is going to steal the Wienermobile.
At least, not when they know it would be a fight.
It's doubtful that anyone, least of all the good people over at Hebrew National or Nathan's, would try to steal the Wienermobile. But you never know what those fools at Ball Park Franks might do to even the score. They would think twice before trying anything if they knew a former U.S. service member was at the wheel.
1. Find one who can sing and the wieners sell themselves.
There's nothing more synonymous with the Wienermobile than the Oscar Mayer Wiener Song. But try to think of something more Hoo-Ah American than a veteran singing the Oscar Mayer Wiener Song from the Wienermobile at a springtime baseball game.
Just find a way to work in an apple pie and a cold beer.
If you're interested in becoming the newest hotdogger, send a resume and cover letter to Oscar Mayer, Attn: Hotdogger Position, 560 E Verona Ave, Verona, WI 53593 or email to email@example.com.
-- Blake Stilwell can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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