The Perfect Sarcastic Response for All 'Those' Questions

October may just be my favorite month.

No, it’s not because of the onset of true autumn with leaves changing and perfect weather, Halloween or pumpkin spice everything. It’s for a reason much more important: October is National Sarcasm Month.

THIS is the kind of gift we have to use to our advantage. The MilSpouse community has many things in common; one of those is being asked questions that make us want to do instant side-eyes, face palms and wall slides. Sometimes we’re stunned into silence when our civilian friends ask us things that they obviously just did not think through before the thought escaped their mouth. Other times we’re way too nice to say what we really want to say.

Oh, but this month is different! Here are 8 things that civilians say to military spouses and the perfect sarcastic answers to celebrate National Sarcasm Month properly.

1. “I know exactly how you feel with this deployment, my husband was gone on a business trip last weekend and it was THE WORST.” Riiiiight, your husband’s work conference in Vegas is exactly like my husband being in Afghanistan for 6 months. That whole “worried about his safety” thing can really take a toll on you when they’re gone for 3 whole entire days. Don’t worry, you’ll get through this.

2. So, how long are you going to be living here? You know, I asked that exact question to my Magic 8 ball last night and it told me “Yes, definitely.” I’m just going out on a limb and saying we’ll be here until February 30th. Seems like a good day to me.

3. “What do you mean, you don’t know exactly where he is? There’s no way I would stand for that.” Oh, that's what I’ve been doing wrong. I should just demand to know where he is at all times and put his entire unit at risk. As long as I’m content, that’s all that matters, right?

4. When he comes home, will it be for good? If by “for good” you mean he’ll be here for an undetermined amount of time before he goes off to some school, training or deploys again-- then yes. He’ll be home for good.

5. If your budget is so tight, why don’t you just get a job?                    You know, it never occurred to me to just get a job! Every hiring manager is going to be chomping at the bit to hire me as soon as they notice how much we move.

6. I’m not sure how you do it, only very special women can be married to military men. That’s actually one of the things my husband asked me on our first date. He said “Are you a special woman? Because only special women can deal with the military lifestyle and if you don’t fall in that category, then we should just end this now.” That’s the moment we fell in love!

7. What day is your husband coming home from deployment?                                                                                     Instead of answering, make your eyes really big, shake your head no and put one finger on your lips while whispering, “Shhh…they’re listening”.

8. But didn’t you know that was what you were signing up for when you got married?                                                                                                I must have skipped that line on the “Things You Need to Know before You Marry a Service Member” contract I signed. All the other stuff that I saw is just instantly easier, because I knew it was going to happen. But this specific thing was left off and thus, harder.

So tell us, what did we miss? What is the craziest thing that you’ve ever been asked as a MilSpouse and how did you handle it?

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