SpouseBuzz

5 Phases of MilSpouse Swimwear

Like it or not, it’s officially swimsuit season. Maybe you just finished a marathon and can’t wait to hit the pool. Or, maybe the only marathon you finished this year was a series on Netflix, and you’re dreading the dressing room. Whatever your body type and whatever your confidence level, here are SpouseBuzz’s his and her swimsuit selections for each phase of your life.

The Adventure Phase.

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You’re out the door at dawn to hit the beach with your spouse and you don’t have any idea when you’ll be back. There might be a rope swing. There might be a giant trampoline. There will be volleyball, kayaking, stand-up paddle boarding, and maybe even a jet-ski. You don’t know all that your day will entail, but you know it will be action packed. Pick a swimsuit that will allow you to do all of those things without worrying about becoming an internet meme.

The Nice Day at the Pool Phase.

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Your spouse is deployed and you’re meeting some friends at the pool to relax, read some magazines and catch up on the latest celebrity gossip. You have no intention of going off the diving board; you might use the stairs to gently wade into the pool, but mostly you’re going to lay out. As long as your lady and man parts are covered and the suit doesn’t have “SEXY!” in the title, you can pretty much pick whatever you want.

The Mom-Suit/Dad-Suit Phase.

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The mom-suit/dad-suit phase stems only from the practicality of keeping your swimsuit on. This too shall pass, but remember that toddlers are like little honeybadgers. They don’t care if you’re exposing any part of your body to any number of people. Mamas, they will pull your top down. They will untie your cute bottoms. They are plotting your embarrassment and they are banking on someone having a camera. You might think you’re in for a nice day at the lake, but there will be running. There will be bending. There will be carrying a child and a bag while pushing a stroller and pulling a cart and trying to apply sunscreen. There will be tears (and they might be yours). The mom-suit/dad-suit phase requires resilience, patience, a one piece, and determination. Your child might break your spirits, but do not let him break your personal pledge to avoid public nudity.

The I-Feel-Too-Old-for-a-Bikini-but-I Don’t-Want-to-Wear-a-Full-Wet-Suit-Either Phase.

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You’ve still got it, although you’re less sure of what “it” is. Your teenager will probably Snapchat a photo of you in your suit with a snarky caption, so you want something cute, but more conservative than the relaxing phase of yesteryear. You might re-live your glory days with a cannonball (mostly just to embarrass said teenager), but really you’re at the pool to catch up with friends, make sure your kids aren’t smoking something in the corner and get the recommended amount of Vitamin D that your doctor just said you’re lacking at your recent physical.

The Retired Phase.

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You’ve done 12 deployments, PCS’d nine times, done countless overseas screenings and your children are grown. Your spouse is retired and you don’t have to worry about how a picture on the internet might impact either of your careers. We salute you, retired ones. Now you’re the honey badger. Wear whatever the $%& you want; you’ve earned it.

Whether you’re at the base pool, the beach, up for an adventure or a good book, choose the suit that makes you comfortable and confident. Post your phase and your swimsuit pick in the comments!

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