Oh hey, Halloween. How ya doing. I haven't seen you and your (incredibly ... interesting?) military Halloween costume choices for awhile. But then here you are, landing in my inbox, as if somehow you knew all I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a sexy, almost-topless version of my Marine.
You smarty pants, you.
So I checked myself out in the mirror - yoga pants (the cute pair, in my defense), maternity t-shirt, a smooshed cheerio or four from my toddler's breakfast stuck to my leg, and I thought to myself, you know, self? You know what you REALLY NEED TO BE this Halloween?
Yep. That's the one.
And then I immediately had a pang of regret. What if that's too conservative for the neighborhood Trunk or Treat? What if I'm not looking at all my options? I mean, after all, it's important when envisioning one's Halloween costume to not just contain ourselves to things that involve ammo swung over our shoulders. After all, we all know service members wear MANY hats. So if we are going to try our hand at this come Halloween, so should we. Some of them should even resemble piss-cutters... with added lace. Obviously.
For example, if you're married into the Air Force, you might want to try this Fly Babe costume out.
Every little girl in the neighborhood will be totally jealous of your lace and ribbon detailing (so reminiscent of Belle coming down the stairs to the Beast!), so it's totally trick-or-treating friendly. This is an especially good choice for anyone in warmer climes or who has maybe enjoyed some black bean tacos for dinner. After all, it's already accounted for posterior airflow.
For those of you living in colder places, like Alaska, or, you know, anywhere where "Fall" actually means something, you have your own specially-designed weather-appropriate options! Take this jumpsuit:
That's bound to keep you warm, and what homage you're paying to every paratrooper ever just by zipping yourself into this! I know when I think about how to honor those who have served, I definitely think "JUMPSUIT." Liposuction not included.
But maybe you're more of the girly-girl type. I get it. My closet is strewn with pink. For you, think military PLUS tutu. After all, Pinterest taught me you're only allowed to put a girl in a costume if it has a tutu on it.
I'm not sure where you're going to dig up those boots (I haven't seen them in the PX lately), but let's not be scuttled by details. I mean this one is a WINNER. Plus, if you're breastfeeding, it'd be pretty easy to feed on the go in this one. Serious bonus.
If you're shopping on a budget, don't be dismayed. Choices abound for you, too!
Here's a "Battalion Babe Accessory Kit" that comes with everything you need to be a Battallion Babe: A top bra thing AND a hat. I mean guys, THAT is a DISCOUNT. A bra and a hat?!? I NEVER thought about matching those before. Ever.
Right there. That's everything you need to be the Battalion Babe. And I know when you were thinking about Halloween and listening to your daughter harp about Elsa and your son go on about Batman, you thought BATTALION BABE. Don't worry, I think Batman's cape can help if you get a little nippy out there.
But! We all know the military isn't all cammo all the time. I mean, when I start thinking about the Navy, this is obviously the first thing I see.
Right. I think Dr. Suess tights. (Stockings? Large leg warmers? Something.) But either way, children far and wide will look at you and think, you know, I COULD dream of being a super hero when I grow up... or I could be THAT. The other mothers in the neighborhood will in no way whisper behind your back when you pull this baby out.
Or this one.
Am I the only one a little confused by the whole bed-and-teddy bear posing here? I mean, when I think naughty outfit perfectly acceptable costume I TOTALLY default mentally to "and teddy bear, too!"
Maybe your spouse's command will be present wherever you're spending Halloween and you, all tongue-in-cheek, want to show them who's really boss. I feel you. I mean... I don't feel totally helpless to control our family schedule AT ALL when we start talking military time demands. So you, point maker, might want to consider this fair option:
Bonus: You know it's actually conservative because your shoulders are covered. See, nothing to worry about, Grandma.
Maybe you scored those full-leg pleather boots last year and you're looking for a new costume now. Fear not! You can always be a sexy drill sergeant!
I am totally confident that the minute they see you, every beer-holding, child-escorting sergeant out there will know you take their job SO SERIOUSLY and that you TOTALLY GET their service. This one also looks pretty nursing friendly. Just sayin.
And lest my fellow Marine Corps wives feel left out, boy have I got the costume for you. It's called "Hoorah Hottie."
Hooooo-raaaah. Guys. You can do so much more than wear your spouse's rank on your bumper. You can now LITERALLY WEAR IT ON YOUR BIKINI BOTTOM. (Sadly, I hear the sounds of Marines rejoicing everywhere. Come on, Lands End, your swim design team needs to get it together already!)
I'll add, too: That bottom is a thong.
Because there's nothing that says "I totally take the military seriously" than showing up to a Trunk-or-Treat in that. (I think that becomes a trunk-as-treat?)
So, folks, I think all of this leads me to one really sensible conclusion. This Halloween, I'm going to do my service member some honor and don my best military-themed costume just for him: That of an overworked, under slept, TOTALLY A SERIOUS JOURNALIST military spouse... but maybe with some hoorah hottie underneath. (Does it come in pregnant lady size?)