Do NOT Go On Vacation!

Ever since we got home from vacation, my husband keeps calling in the middle of the day. He breathes heavily into my ear and says, “Whatcha doin’?”

“Hating work. What are you doing?”

“Pretty much the same thing,” he whispers. “Who knew this was so hard?”

WARNING. Do not go on vacation.

I know that Amy is out there saying that we military families really need to take vacations. After all, one of the generous benefits of military life is 30 days of paid leave. That’s more than twice as much as the average American gets (that is, if your service member’s leave chit is actually approved).

So Amy has all these ideas about how unplugging and setting up a tent and communing with nature builds strong relationships. And there is a ton of evidence that says she is exactly right.

The thing she doesn’t tell you is that taking a vacation means that you also have to return from that vacation.

This is because Amy and her husband are actually taking their kids with them on said vacation. That makes a joy of coming home and not being on vacation any more.

But when you leave the kids behind for a whole week (with grandparents who have been canonized as saints in their lifetimes even though that is against papal law and one of them isn’t even a Catholic) then coming home is not quite the same thing, is it?

So while you might still wanna go on vacation, here are my perfectly sound reasons not to come home from vacation.

1. Work is harder than you thought it was.

When you never take more than a day or two off work, you get in the habit of working. You get caught up in what everyone else at work is caught up in. You are subject to the law of inertia—whatever is in motion stays in motion right?

Jump off the treadmill, climb into a convertible, stick your hand out the window and play with the wind for a few hundred miles and that starts to feel like all you really have to do. That and stopping for lunch of course.

Once you get back to work, lunch is a long, long time away.  And they never let you open the window.

2. Your beloved is a lot more fun than your boss.

I really like the people I work with. They are a cheery bunch.

But they are not the kind of people who will lean over and kiss you on the mouth just cuz you look kind of cute that day. They don’t buy you desserts that are on fire.  They don’t go down the hall and fill the ice bucket for you. They don’t tell you their deepest secrets or reminisce about the day they met you. They don’t even like ferry boats all that much.

This is why you don’t marry them. You forget that until you go on vacation.

3. Your house is dirtier than you remembered.

Before you went on vacation, you probably cleaned up the house, ran the vacuum, started the dishwasher. My standard is that I want the cops to be able to tell the difference between a burglar breaking in and my normal state of housekeeping.

When you get home, be prepared to see all the drips you didn’t see on the cabinets. The smudges on windows. That funky smell coming out from under the porch. This is what vacation experts call ‘seeing with fresh eyes.”

4. Kids are much louder than you ever thought possible.

‘Nuff said.

5. Beware moose bearing muffins.

When you haven’t taken a vacation in a very long time you forget how delicious it can be to go on vacation. So you have to call your spouse in the middle of the day to find out whether they are thinking about vacation too. Which they are. And then you have to talk about how long before you can actually take another vacation. And then you think of three places you would like to go that also have ferry boats. And flaming desserts.

Maybe this vacation malaise will go away in a few days and we will both be back up to speed and our vacation will fade to bills and photos.

Then again, maybe it just won’t.






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