I try not to drop the F-Bomb. It usually slips out when I am really ticked off. Or driving.
I woke up today in good spirits. My husband actually got to sleep in which meant so did I, since I do not have a job currently, I like to get up and make him breakfast and talk to him before he heads to base for the day.
I admit I was shuffling around for not having slept well. It is amazing to me how my attitude can snap when someone says anything pertaining to something that has been bothering me. My husband said something along the lines of, "So I guess I will make my own breakfast...?"
And that's when I snapped. My feelings were hurt, I've been on the job hunt for weeks with no real leads, and I gave up my last job so we could move for his career. Although he warned me, other wives warned me, and I have seen enough to know, it is still very frustrating that with such a mobile career I still find myself having such trouble finding anything.
I was quiet until he asked if I was mad (knowing full well that I was). I said, "I'm not your f---ing servant."
Of course, he felt terrible because he did not know how much all of this was bothering me, and profusely apologized. I will admit I have let myself be in a sourpuss mood all day.
That "f" word did not make me feel better. It made me feel terrible for talking to my husband like that when I don't think he knows to what extent this unfulfilled career bothers me -- and he did call me later to thank me for breakfast. And yet it still seems like he is living out his childhood dream and I am planning on settling for whatever position finds its way to me.
One of the greatest things I can do for myself is treat every new day like I do the new year. Wake up, be positive and be encouraging no matter how much harder it is to do than say. It also means I seek activities that give me solace.
In this season of joblessness with relatively few friends in a brand-new-to-me-area, that often means getting out of bed, going for a run, furiously chopping some veggies and cleaning my house.
But even the things I use to relax make me feel like a stay-at-home slave. Cooking and cleaning were once my stress relievers ... but that was when I had a job. Now they feel like a job themselves.
How do you cope with feelings of inadequacy and unfulfilled hopes? Does it ever get easier?