Dear Army –
The last time I wrote I was feeling pretty bummed. I know it was scandalous to admit, but I couldn’t help but look at the Marine Corps with jealousy. It’s just that their birthday balls with the cake and the singing is so much cooler than anything we do for our birthday.
You know it’s true. And even though you didn’t write me back, I know you took my complaint to heart, because for our birthday you whipped out that giant tank made of cupcakes. I know we're an Army Infantry family and not Armor people, but I can appreciate a cupcake tank as much as the next girl.
So I’ll give it to you: the cupcake tank was downright rad.
But all the cupcake tanks in the world don’t outrank the good work you just did stomping the Corps in the coolness race.
Hear that? We are now cooler than the Corps.
You’re probably having a “wait, what?” moment. And I can see why you’re confused. Being cooler than the Corps is hard, what with their snappy uniforms and their giant muscles. But let me spell it out for you.
You canceled our June birthday ball. When you chose to do that to save some coin, you chose buying bullets over fun.
I gotta say … that’s hot.
The Marine Corps, on the other hand, has made no overtures about canceling their November shindigs. They even went ahead and held the Navy-Marine Corps ball just a few weeks ago.
Us? No way are we dropping cash on a party when our soldiers need equipment and our families need taking care of.
By not having a ball we’re proving that we are approximately 17 times cooler than the Corps. Instead of being silly and spending money we don’t have, we are saving our dimes for things we actually need.
I know the budget cuts aren’t our favorite thing and sequestration is downright uncool. But saving money on this one looks good on you, Army.
Stay awesome and GO ARMY.
Edit: Before our readers get upset about this post, allow me to clarify a few things. The above was meant in good fun just as the original post, which was entirely self-deprecating towards the Army, was. Interservice rivalries have been around much longer than I have.
Finally, several people have mentioned in the comments that I do not have my facts straight regarding Marine Corps ball funding. They say the balls are paid for entirely by raised money, not by federal dollars. However, according to this guidance that is not entirely true. Some appropriated funds do go towards the birthday ball.