Top Ten Things Exercisers Don’t Want you to Know


Before this year, the list of things that would make me exercise would have included: Attack by lions. Fire at sea. Food prizes.Plague of locusts. Early homecoming. Butter sticks growing on trees. Cannibals making soup.

Now I go to a little Jazzercise class twice a week every week. I sweat and everything. Maybe I’ve lost a little weight.

My girlfriend Terry cannot believe this is true. The only weight she ever saw me lose was the ten pounds I that disappeared when I gave birth to my son. I didn’t lose the baby weight, I just gave birth to the baby.

“So how are you doing this exactly?” Terry asked suspiciously. I had to think about that. It sure wasn’t any of the reasons regular exercisers usually tell us non-exercisers about how they stick to the program.

For years I’ve believed all their blah blah blah about setting SMART goals and posting pictures of myself on the fridge and leaving exercise equipment out and about. I’ve flogged myself thinking how regular exercise works just as well as an antidepressant.

Still, none of that stuff worked for me. This time I figure I am exercising because I am thinking the kind of devious thoughts that most exercisers don’t want you to know. Like this:


If you go to Jazzercise you can stop work early.  The reason I gained

weight is that I have the kind of job that requires my rear end to be in a chair while I type or read. Jazzercise is so much more fun than, oh, pretty much everything I have to be paid to do. Where are my shoes?

Think of your classmates in a Beyonce video. Since most of my classmates are in their 40s, the turtleneck leotard is not really a good look. But it keeps me going.

Twice a week is good enough. There are people who tell you they exercise every day. Good on ‘em! I can make it to this class twice a week. That is so much more often than never.

Pretend you have pompoms. Some of the stuff we do in class reminds me of the Carroll High School drill team. Back then I liked the boots. I liked the short skirt. I liked the kickline. This is as close as it gets.

5What is Pink really trying to say? I can’t really hear Pink’s lyrics at class. But every so often she says something I think sounds like wisdom. By the time I figure it out, the song is over.

Pay attention or die. Jazzercise is one of those classes that they constantly change the songs and change the dances. If I don’t pay attention I am suddenly grapevining in the wrong direction and the instructor is saying “Go Jacey! Freestyling again!”

Remind self: This song can’t last more than three minutes. 

Sue Sylvester in person. When I feel like sneaking out of class early for an imaginary emergency, I pretend Coach Sue has just noticed me.

I never WANT to go to class. I used to think I should feel like exercising before I did it. Or that I should wait until I had free time. Now I know I might never feel like going to class, but I always feel better after class.

What other exercise can I do? Exercising two days a week is good.  Exercising three days a week might be better. I could take a yoga class maybe. I could walk my dog. Or I could find a roving group of rollerbladers out there with white skates and pompoms willing to be chased by lions for at least an hour.

Hey, it works for me. What kinds of things do you tell yourself when you are exercising?


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