airforcewife Humiliating Moment #18976

We're moving.  Again.

Well, actually I'm in the process of moving stuff and fixing stuff as we were able to buy our first house and it needed some work.

I have a laminate flooring now.  I have painted walls.  I have eight of my bookcases and my couch.  I even, as of Wednesday, have internet and cable tv.  And the story of my FiOS installation is what I'm about to tell you.

It should come as a shock to approximately maybe one person on earth that there is a lot of smart-assery going on amongst my friends.  It seems to be a military trait.  A survival mechanism if you will. 

And so the gift my friends gave me as a gag when Air Force Guy deployed for the first time in 2003 should come as no surprise to anyone.  In fact, I'm betting I'm not the only person who has gotten such a gag gift. 

They got me a "Magic Bullet."  I'm not usually into that kind of stuff, but it was funny.  I laughed about it, I thought my friends were quite clever.  And in the end I put the thing, still in its nondescript wrapper, away and forgot about it. 

Five and a half years later, this most recent move, it was my luck that the first thing my kids found when we unpacked was that "Magic Bullet."  They removed it from its wrapper and proceeded to chase each other around the house with it.  I found out what was going on when one child asked me if I wanted them to put the "back massager" on me. 

It was not a conventional back massager.  Although my kids still don't know that.

I took it away and put it up with a stern lecture about not touching other people's stuff.

On Wednesday I had the Verizon guys come to install my FiOS.  They were pleasant enough, they were fairly unobtrusive and didn't bother me as I was painting and unpacking around them.  Things were going well (the installation takes a few hours) until, as I was putting the legs on my dining room table, I heard this from the living room - where the FiOS guys were working.

"Brother!  Put that away!  Mom said not to touch her vibrator!"*

Oh.  My.  God.  I wanted to run away and join a circus or something. 

The Verizon guys didn't say a word.  They didn't even laugh.  I'm not sure if that was the worst part - wondering what was going on in their heads. 

But sure enough, another hour later when everything was installed and they were explaining how to use FiOS on the TV to me, I was very pointedly shown where the adult channels were located.

I would ask, "What else could POSSIBLY happen?" but at this point I've long figured out that tempting fate that way is a stupid, stupid thing to do.  I did, however, throw the "Magic Bullet" away post-haste.  That way it won't make an appearance when our priest comes to bless our new abode.

And as a point of clarification - my third child has no idea what the "adult" term vibrator means (and I have no plans on informing her).  She was just calling it by what it does.  I do wish she had stuck with the phrase, "Back Massager", though.

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