It's a Blasted Conspiracy!


For a couple of weeks now, my household items have been conspiring against me. They got together and formulated a plan to take my already sky-high stress level to soaring new heights. I got the feeling something was up several days ago as I began to take inventory. Yes, I'm in a competition with....objects.

It's true, nothing brings out the mental instability in a person like a PCS move. Even the cat thinks I've lost my marbles. And I'm inclined to believe that is so.

In a perfect world, I would use the last bit of shampoo, salad dressing, washing powder, hand soap, cat litter, candles, gas for the lawn mover and fuel tank for the grill just before the movers come. This would save me from having to open new bottles, boxes, bags, etc.. only to have to throw them away half-consumed or half-used. Or, even worse, in some cases, having to bag them in ziploc bags or have the packers pack them in make-shift containers only to find when I tear into a box that they have leaked out, contaminated an entire box of goods and created an utter mess.

But nooooooooooooo. Apparently, I do not live in a perfect world. It's a shocking realization.

So, if I want to eat the rest of the salad fixings, I need to open a bottle of salad dressing that I'll use only twice before I have to throw the bottle away.

If I want to wash my hands, I'll have to open a new bottle of Bath & Body Works hand soap, that will be partially used before it's wrapped up, and will inevitably leak out of its packaging during the move. Same with the shampoo. If I want to wash my hair with something other than soap, I'll have to open a new bottle and it will ooze out into the box. It always does.

If I want to wash clothes, which I do, I really do, I'll have to open a new box of washing powder and ziploc the rest.

If I want my cat to pee and poop somewhere other than on the carpet, I will have to open a new box of kitty litter and ship the rest, which will somehow be punctured during the move or when I tear into a box on the other end.

If I want to mow the grass just before I leave, and I believe my landlord and neighbors would appreciate that, I will have to make one more trip to the gas station to fill the gas container and I will either buy too much gas or too little gas as I try to anticipate how much gas I actually need.

If I want to eat the rest of the meat in our freezer, and we should, I will have to buy another gas tank for the grill. It's that or give a small fortune worth of meat away.

On the flip side, by my calculations (not that they've served me well so far), I don't think I'll have enough time to burn my Yankee candles all the way out. And I really have no interest in opening a box of melted candles and spending an hour or so digging a wick out just to smell Buttercream frosting for a few hours. I'd rather eat it than smell it.

The bags and boxes and bottles are laughing at me right now. I hear them. I hear voices. And yes, I probably do need professional help, but then again, that would require navigating the TRICARE system and folks, I'm in no shape at the moment to give that a try....

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