This weekend things came to a head. I found myself thinking something I had promised myself years and years (way more years than I want to admit to) that I would never consider.
AirForceGuy has been home for just over a year now, and in true military life fashion he is getting ready to leave again for a month, then for several months.
And in a moment of intense frustration while I was cleaning the house YET AGAIN this weekend, I thought, "Gee, life will sure be easier when he is gone again."
And two seconds later I was totally washed over the a level of guilt that only someone raised Catholic can experience.
Anyone who doesn't understand that I'm totally devoted to my husband and think he's the greatest thing since the Roomba can rest assured that such is the case. I think AFG is the best and sexiest husband on Earth. And he's devoted to me, too. He gives me foot and back rubs and never complains when I'm too exhausted to cook a home-made meal for dinner and I suggest take out of some sort.
But years and years of various deployments and TDYs definitely add up, and there are some things that he can't seem to neatly segue into anymore. And they tend to be the things that drive me most nuts. Like leaving snack wrappers around the house. Did I mention that we are fighting an ongoing war with ants that makes the 100 Years War look prophetic?
And then there's the tree limb that has been hanging dead from our otherwise gorgeously adorned Cherry Tree in the front yard. Somehow, it just gets overlooked every single day. And the very dark black hair bits around the sink that, along with the toothpaste spit that has hardened into grotesque streaks in the sink-bowl. Eeew. Poor AFG has five o'clock shadow at 8 am, so there's a LOT of dark hair there.
The truth is, I can do these things myself, there's really nothing stopping me from picking up a saw and getting rid of that limb. It would even be some good exercise for me! And it doesn't take much effort to wipe a sink or pick up a wrapper.
But it's not just stubborn-ness that keeps me from doing so and keeps me stewing in irritation - it's the fact that as a stay-at-home mom who has chosen to devote myself to following the husband around and raising kids rather than devoting myself to a career (and using the college degree I paid so much for), sometimes I do feel like the cleaning, the bill paying, the cooking, the lunch making, etc. ad infinitum get taken for granted. I mean, active-duty people in support jobs get medals and stuff to make sure that the service-members they take care of are mission ready. And leave - they get leave where someone else has to take care of the details.
And then there's that whole "feeling like a nag" issue when I ask and ask and ask and ask for something to get taken care of (when it isn't taken care of for days and days and days).
Sometimes, this whole "Mil-Spouse Career Field" feels awfully tedious and thank-less.
Not that it is, mind you - AFG is very careful to try and help out with most things and to tell me how much he values and needs me.
I think I just need a Hawaiian vacation or something.