If I break in two,
will you put me back together?
When this puzzle's figured out
will you still be around?
--Uncle Tupelo
A couple of my friends have mentioned to me recently that right before deployment, their husbands have been acting like jerks. This is quite well-documented as one of the Stages of Deployment. It is not entirely uncommon for the deploying soldier to pull away emotionally from the family, because, as the link says, "From a psychological perspective, it is easier to be angry than confront the pain and loss of saying goodbye for six months or more."
Since my friends brought this up, I have been more finely attuned to the pre-deployment stage in my own household. And armed with this meta-knowledge, I have come to realize something.
I'm the one acting like a jerk around here.
I've been unnecessarily crabby and mopey lately. And I hate myself for it because I know what's causing it and why it's happening. But I still can't seem to make myself stop being cranky.
Luckily, I am armed with this knowledge, so after I pout for a while, I can at least go up to my husband and apologize and blame it all on anticipatory grief. At least it's good that I know why I'm acting crazy.
I just wish I could stop.
No one wants to spend the last weeks together in a grouchy mood. I want to be feeling lovey-dovey and happy. Unfortunately, in our household we have more emotional stress than just the deployment these days -- that's a whole different future SpouseBUZZ post -- and it's really taking its toll on me. But I'm going to keep trying my hardest to force myself to stop the drama.
Thankfully, I do have a husband who will put me back together if I break in two...
