SpouseBuzz

R&R - A Double Edged Sword

In the comments of Sarah's latest post, "SweetestSass" asks a tough question...is it normal to have mixed feelings about and during R&R?

Completely normal if you ask me.   

When MacGyver deployed, I longed for R&R and yet I dreaded it at the same time. A big part of me worried that, if he came home, it would be distracting for him and his mind would not be centered where it should be - staying safe. Another part of me remembered how crappy the first goodbye was and really did not want to go anywhere near repeating that lousy experience, thankyouverymuch.

When it came time for MacGyver to actually come home for his turn at R&R, I was Sybil's twin sister. I didn't know whether I should scratch my watch or wind my butt. I was so incredibly happy to see him, touch him, and hold him. I about came out of my skin. But there were moments - more than I care to admit - where I caught myself watching the clock and calendar and almost looking forward to the day he would go back. I knew the next goodbye was coming and it was going to suck. Better to get it over with and start in on the second half of the deployment. No sense in dragging it out.

I worried. I worried that he would be distracted when he got back to Iraq. I worried that his mind would be on us and not on his mission. I worried that the second goodbye would be harder than the first and that the kids and I would not be able to pick ourselves up off the floor and go on. I worried that I wouldn't be as strong the second time around.

It took considerable effort on my part to smother that part of my brain. I'm not sure that it has recovered (which is what I blame my absentmindedness upon these days!). But I do believe that every emotion I felt leading up to, during, and after R&R was "normal".

However, like my husband always says, "normal is not only merely a setting on the washing machine, it's BORING."  He is so right.

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