More Proof You Just Can't Take airforcewife Anywhere


Look, as if getting kicked off a talk show, flashing my nether-bits to the Comcast guy, broadcasting my eliminatory functions, and having my son urinate on the base commander's lawn weren't proof enough that I am often somewhat less than socially acceptable in polite circles, I'm about to write about something that I'll bet will make the ever-gracious Andi cringe.

But since I'm far closer to Lucille Ball than Audrey Hepburn (despite all my yearnings to be cool and classy in perfect pearls and an immaculate sweater dress), I'm totally going to go there.

Please, if you will be offended with a post that is not generally acceptable discussion in polite company - skip this jump...

Just what DO they put in MRE's and DFAC food that causes that horrible stench? 

I mean, really.  I currently have three different scented candles in my bathroom and not a one of them (or all of them together) actually WORKS when I need them to.  Then you can add in the toilet bowl freshener hanging on the rim in there and which I replace every month and the spray under the sink. 

That room should smell like chemical flowers, it should.  And often it doesn't. 

In fact, our family has gone so far as to banish poor Air Force Guy to his own bathroom as far away from the rest of civilization as humanly possible.  And we've noticed that even the flies seem to stay away from there.

Just what is in that food?  What?  I used to visit AFG at his armory back in the day and be absolutely revolted at the stench in the bathroom.  I would drive down the street to a gas station, it was so horrific.  And yet, a good part of every day was spent cleaning the darn thing.

I just don't get it.  There has got to be something special in there - like maybe one of the secret ingredients the Colonel tried on his chicken and then discarded as too revolting.

Maybe someone can enlighten me?  And then maybe they can explain to me why AFG and his co-horts seem so PROUD of this?  I think there might be a competition of some sorts going on - who can create the greatest miasma.  Or something.  I mean, really, get a bunch of these guys together and inevitably this discussion comes up. 

So far, hubby has maintained that the worst stench was in and around the facilities of his camp in Afghanistan, although I've heard strenuous argument with that.  The competition even gets heated. Everyone wants to be the recipient of The Stinkiest Latrine Area medal, although I'm not sure what the prize is.  Maybe it's like women and The Longest Labor on Earth medal (my MIL, not known for her adherence to the truth, is currently claiming 72 hours and some change).

The worst of this is that it has apparently been passed through the generations.  I kid you not when I say that my Grandfather actually butted into a conversation between my brother and my husband during their comparisons of potties in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Kosovo and started ranting about the stench and flies on Guam in World War II.  I'm sure if my illustrious ancestor who was camped at Valley Forge during the winter of 1777 - 1778 could make his presence known, we'd get an earful from him, too.

I think that spouses should get a golden toilet device to clip to their Atta Girl ribbon when their significant other has eaten a certain number of MREs before coming home.  I mean, it's small recompense for the fact that the wallpaper has begun to peel off under the onslaught, but it's something.  An acknowledgment.

I have to say, this is one thing that 550 cord and 100 mph tape just isn't going to fix.  Now, I've heard that liberal application of jet fuel might cut the smell a bit.  I wonder if I could score some somewhere...

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