Warning: Some adult content....
One of my least favorite things to deal with during a deployment is when something major breaks. Something that requires a maintenance man to come fix it. It's always a hassle for anyone when something breaks, but for women, when a strange man comes to your house while your husband is deployed, it can be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable for me, because I either lie through my teeth, or manage to embarrass myself royally. And I do mean, "royally."
I usually feel the need to make sure the repairman knows my husband is around, even if there's no reason to suspect said repairman thought otherwise. You know, I casually slip something in like, "boy, when my husband gets home from work this evening, he'll be relieved to see that the A/C is working again." Of course, I'd rather lie than expose myself.
During my husband's first deployment, I worked for the company that took care of the maintenance of our rental home. There was an issue with one of the toilets and a repairman that I knew was dispatched. Stan, we'll call him. I knew Stan and felt comfortable with him. Stan knew my husband was deployed, so in this case, I didn't need to make up a lie, and it was fine. I showed Stan to the bathroom and told him I'd be in the office if he needed me. I then went to my computer and began emailing and surfing. I received an email from a good friend (or so I thought....) stating that I just HAD to click on "this link," so of course I did.
In about one second, a man's voice came blaring through the speakers of my computer bellowing, "hey everybody, I'm looking at porn over here." There was a box that said "click here to mute," or something of that sort. It was another joke and when you clicked, the voice just continued to scream, "hey everybody, I'm looking at porn over here."
Finally, out of total humiliation and desperation, I unplugged my computer from the wall. I felt my face flush and my palms were sweating. Stan, you see, was just across the hall in my bathroom and there is no way he didn't hear the obnoxious statement. Over and over and over again. For once, I didn't know what to say or do and I just sat in the chair staring at my blank screen.
Stan finished his work and didn't mention what he had heard. Such a gentleman. However, I'm sure he left my house thinking that my co-workers would be most surprised to learn that while my husband was risking life and limb, I was sitting at home porn-surfing, right under Stan's nose....
I did tell my boss about the incident. My boss was a female and I felt comfortable sharing the joke, and my embarrassment, with her. Plus, I thought that if word ever got back to her, she would be able to quell the rumor.
Well, unfortunately, it didn't end there. Stan was due back to the house some weeks later for work on a problem outside. He would be at the house sometime tomorrow afternoon, the message stated. No need to come inside (yeah, I bet...), but he just wanted me to know that he would be there.
We had a very private backyard. The neighbors behind us could not see in our windows so the blinds were usually open. The next morning, after showering, I walked back to the bedroom to put on some clothes. I went to the bra drawer to fetch a bra because, well, I wear them. When I turned back around, there I stood, naked as a jaybird.
There he was. Early. Hours early. In my backyard.
I shrieked and ran back into the windowless bathroom. I couldn't believe something so scandalous had happened. Twice. Both involving the same man. Now, Stan may not have even seen anything. I didn't see him as I came out of the bathroom and when I turned around, he was bending over and I only saw his shoulders and the back of his head so, who knows? Assuming he had, he must have had the same thought as me, "I can't believe this has happened to me. Twice. Both involving the same woman." And he must also have thought that I was sending a not-so-subtle message. I'm a lonely woman. My husband is thousands of miles away. Urgh...
These incidents happened a few years ago, but on Friday, I was reminded of them when the cable TV guy came to our house to fix a problem. When he arrived, I had the computer off and was fully dressed, bra and all. Off to a great start, right? What could possibly go wrong?
Normally, FOXNews is family-friendly (and normally SpouseBUZZ is too), but something happened on Friday which made me curse that network. The repairman and I are standing there in the living room and all the sudden some story about a trans-gender being elected to some office comes on. That's not so bad, but then it was revealed that this person owns some kind of adult store called "Good Vibrations," and, well, you get the idea. My husband's not currently deployed, but he wasn't at home. So there I stood with a big, burley stranger, no husband around, thinking that I'd rather be anywhere else in the world at that very moment than in my living room listening to "good vibrations" talk with a complete stranger.
So there you have it, Andi's most embarrassing deployment story. I can hardly believe I'm even sharing it. Now, I know that many of you have an embarassing deployment story, too. It may not involve porn (or in my case, non-porn made to look like porn), nudity and "good vibrations," but I still want to hear about it. Who's first?