Why am I not more excited?
Don't get me wrong - I'm excited. Really. I am truly looking forward to having MacGyver back in my life, even if only for 2 weeks. It's great and I'm thrilled. I'm so excited to see him with the kids and show him what our daily life is like these days. I'm looking forward to being able to talk to him face to face rather than via IM or on the phone (neither of which is a forte he possesses). I am yearning to put my arms around him and be held.
But...(there's always a but, isn't there?)
I am not looking forward to the goodbye that will come too quickly. And as hard as I try to put it out of my mind and simply enjoy our time with him, it sits at the back of my mind and it NAGS.
It's a double-edged sword that I am not looking forward to tangling with. The first goodbye 6 months ago was hard enough. When he went to Basic and then came home before AIT (basically tech school for the Army) on Christmas exodous, those were two GLORIOUS weeks. I didn't give a single thought to the fact that I would have to say goodbye again (yes, I realize Basic Training and AIT are nothing like a deployment but this was my first experience at having to be separated from the man I loved).
And then the day came that I had to take him to the airport and hug and kiss him goodbye again.
And it devastated me. I was a blubbering, sobbing, snot-slinging mess for 3 days. It didn't help that his goodbye came on a Saturday and I had days before I had to be back at work (and therefore distracted from my own misery). I wallowed BIG TIME in my own misery for 3 miserable days.
Granted, things have changed a lot since then. I've grown a lot. I've matured a lot. But I've never improved at goodbyes. So that cloud lingers over my head as I anticipate MacGyver's arrival back on the island. And it tempers my excitement.
And I hate it.
Pau.
- hfs
