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wanted: Stiff upper lip

Contrary to what some of you may think, I am not really a wussy, touchy, feely, tears coming out of my face kind of gal.  It has never been the way I do things.  Although, it seems as though I am using SpouseBuzz, as some sort of emotional forum most of the time. 

I have become a cliche.

However...

What they say about "hindsight being 20/20" is true.  Oh, and the other thing they say "ignorance is bliss", yeah I think that one is true too. 

I mean I really made it through an almost 18 month deployment with hardly a tear.  I say hardly.  (there were a few, very private, sad moments)

The funny thing is, even DH's return did not insight much in the way of tears. 

I am finding myself sitting here a year and a half later, and it takes little to cause a trickle down my cheek, or my eyes to fill up to the brim with the little salty drops.  I find myself blinking often. 

This is very hard for me to accept, as I have spent over half of my life working in "end of life" care.  Hospice, geriatrics, pulmonary, and I have given people sad news, with empathy, but never tears.   I wanted to be the lean on gal.  I wonder if she is still in here?

The other night, we took my children ages now 3, and 4 (almost 5)  to see Santa.  I was THRILLED that DH was here to witness, the list our son produced, and handed to Santa.  Our son, who was once fearful of this bearded man.  I was touched to see my little boy grab his 3 year old little sister's hand and say "come on Sissy, you just need to be brave and bold like me."  I am standing 2 feet away blinking and blinking to keep the tears at bay.  Praying to God no one sees my stiff upper lip failing me again. 

I made it through the Santa visit, and the small requests the children made, the photo in which my little girl looks like she is thrilled to have her brother with her. 

Only to step 20 feet out into the mall.  My little girl dropping her candy cane, and her brother breaking his in half to share...

and I can't even type it without a tear dropping to my keyboard. 

How I made it through an 18 month deployment is beyond me. 

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