Weird Gifts for Valentine's Day that You Should Never, Ever Buy

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(Joseph P. Leveille/DVIDS)

As we get closer to the most romantic day of the year, military spouses everywhere are either rejoicing or living in dread. While some are looking forward to spending Valentine's Day with their spouse, others are focusing on Galantine's Day instead.

There are some great gift ideas out there for the military spouse looking for the perfect gift.

But then there is a list -- a whole category really -- of things that should not have ever crossed the Good Idea Fairy’s desk. These are things like cards with not-so-subtle innuendos, the same gift you got your mom for Christmas, or any food that is heart-shaped. (Except tacos. A platter of tacos arranged in the shape of a heart would work.)

Worried now that you’ve already bought the wrong thing. If the suggestion has made you panic, we can help. Here are some more, er, specific things you should never, ever, ever even consider buying for Valentine's Day.

Like, never.

1. Touch Heartbeat Ring. Topping our list of weird and clearly ridiculous gifts for Valentine's Day is the Touch Heartbeat Ring. Because, you know, feeling your spouse's heartbeat around your ring finger is totally normal. It's probably not at all freaky and simply comforting. It makes you wonder how our foremothers made it through World War II and Vietnam without this.

2. Heartbeat pillows. Along the same lines, and equally as unnecessary, are pillows with the same idea. Each person wears a wristband and places a speaker under the other person's pillow so they can hear the other's heartbeat. A website review says, "I love it. It's so human... like I'm lying with my head on his chest." We say no one actually sleeps that way when the alarm is going off at 0500 for PT.

3. Body part jewelry. Jewelry is usually a safe bet, especially if it's actually made of chocolate. But jewelry made of your own discarded body parts is not. Promise, no matter how much we love you, we don't want to wear a ring featuring your tooth or a bracelet made of your hair. Ew, ew, just ew.

4. Matching underpants. After you've crossed these things off of their list, let's talk briefly about underwear. (See what we did there?) Lingerie may be a legitimate option, that's not what we're referring to though. Unicorn briefs, matching underwear or Fundies, are not, and should never be, considered an appropriate gift.

5. Clone-a-Willy. And then there are the things we really shouldn't have to put on a "Do Not Buy" List. You know the ones you really wouldn't want to ever open in front of anyone else. Ever. Like the "Clone-a-Willy" which is, um, exactly what it sounds like. The ad claims, "Clone-a-Willy kits are totally safe." And yet -- no. Just no.

6. Bluetooth sex toys. Also, in the "Just No" category is anything related to extracurricular activities of the special and private kind. Nothing that physically connects you with your loved one via Bluetooth. We're all for sexy Skype dates, but that's the farthest we are willing to go.

Hopefully, none of these things were on your list, but in case they were, it's pretty safe to say that semi-wilty flowers from the commissary are a better bet. And for what it’s worthy -- skip that, too. Instead, do yourself a favor and use your Valentine’s Day military discount to get non-wilty ones.

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--Rebecca Alwine can be reached at rebecca.alwine@monster.com.

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