Dear Ms. Vicki,
I have recently gotten married -- I am currently four months into my marriage. I met my husband in San Antonio, Texas (my hometown). He is in the Navy. When I met him he had just finished graduating and was stationed here San Antonio. I am 19 and my husband is 21. I knew my husband for a short amount of time (six months) before he asked me to marry him. We got married in his hometown which was Pensacola, Florida. He is currently stationed there so I finally moved with him when he got married.
We were all great up until a couple of weeks ago. Before then, I found out he cheated before we got married. I forgave him. Being from Texas I had really no friends in Florida, so his friends are my friends.
Now, I'm not trying to talk bad about him this is just my experience with him. He wouldn't like for me to go out, even just for lunch or talk to anyone. We'd argue over that, and then we started having money issues. I didn't work, so his income was it, and he didn’t like to give me money.
A couple more months passed and we argued, but always made up. One day an incident happened with a close friend of his. Well that "close friend" tried to get into the shower with me and tried stuff, so I called the cops on him because obviously I was not OK with that. So that happened, and he did nothing to defend me. He said he "didn't hear me screaming.” He actually tried defending his friend.
He was banned by his commander from talking to that guy. Then I found out again that he cheated and I confronted him about it, and he said yes he did, because I made him depressed. He said he hated coming home to me, he hated being married to me and that his friends and family wondered why he was even married to me. He then told me to leave, that he didn't want me there anymore. Obviously I couldn't, because I had no money. I called my parents, and they sent me money to come home.
I then found out he started talking to that "close friend" again that tried stuff with me. He's apologized and claims he loves me very much. I've been home for a week or two now, and have tried talking to him about me going back home to him, and he tells me no and to stay here because "it's better for us.”
Meanwhile, he's out with this "close friend" and going out every other night. At this point I'm not sure what to do anymore. I love this man very much but I'm not sure I can continue this way.
So here’s my real question: Is this marriage (being so new) still worth the fight -- which I'm willing to do -- or is it just a lost cause? Help!
-- Confused Newlywed
It’s no confusion. Your marriage is in big trouble.
You and your husband have so much working against you right now that will surely put your marriage in divorce court. So many negative things have happened in such a short period of time. You have some danger signs that research says will end a marriage: cheating, anger, isolation from each other (he wants you to stay in Texas instead of with him in Florida) and negative put-downs.
For example, he put you down when his friend came in the bathroom while you were showering. Instead of him being angry and approaching his friend, he blamed you. Moreover, according to you, he is still hanging out with this same guy and disobeying command orders to stay away from him.
Your marriage definitely won’t survive living separately. On the other hand, how do you return to Florida when he is saying don’t come back?
This leads me to my next point: sometimes marriage can happen too quickly, as in your case. I really can’t say it’s your young age because many marriages have the same dynamics as yours with older couples too.
All in all, I think your husband is very immature in the way he is handing this. Yes, you are a wife, and parents are important because they can be very supportive. However, you can’t expect your parents to keep sending for you when things go wrong.
For this reason, it’s time for you to be able to stand on your own two feet. You should work and continue your education. In the meantime, your husband should continue to provide financial support to you.
Lastly, because you are a military spouse, you can contact Military OneSource and they will connect you with a therapist in San Antonio. I really think you could benefit from individual therapy to gain insight and for support.
Keep in touch when you can.
-- Ms. Vicki