Dear Ms. Vicki,
After 10 years of marriage and three deployments, I feel like I don’t know my husband.
I still love him very dearly, but it’s like we are strangers. I know he loves me too because I can feel it even though he doesn’t say it.
I’m embarrassed to say this so please excuse what I am about to say if it’s too graphic: I haven’t made love to my husband in more than six months. We never even touch each other.
It’s getting very lonely just being in the same house with him because I feel like a ghost or a person who is on the outside looking in. I don’t know how to make “it” happen for us again.
I want him so badly, and I want to be in love with him again. How can I restore some type of intimacy between us?
Sincerely, No Expressions of Love
Dear No Expressions,
Deployments and separations can wreak havoc on a relationship. Reintegration can leave couples scrambling to rekindle the connection.
Our romance and connection with our spouse can sometimes take a back seat until it becomes nonexistent. Here are some Ms. Vicki quick tips that will have you getting your groove back in no time.
1. Don’t Sleep in Separate Rooms: Do you want to lose the romance and intimacy in your relationship? Then sleep in separate rooms. This is a Ms. Vicki No-No. In my practice, I have seen how sleeping in separate rooms will cause an emotional and physical gap between couples. Each night of sleeping separately causes the gap to become wider.
2. Start Each Day with a Kiss: Now that you are in the same bedroom, never forget to start your day off with a kiss. It’s great foreplay. You are trying to kick start your intimacy and romance. This is a great way to start.
3. Call Each Other During the Day Just to Say I Love You: I love it when my husband checks on me during the day. It makes me smile, and I can’t wait to get back home to him after a long day at work. I do the same thing to him too. He says it makes him giddy and lets him know I’m crazy about him. Everyone wants these feelings. They are very important when it comes to romance and intimacy.
4. Talk and Listen in the Evening: Get reconnected through verbal relations after work. You can talk about anything and everything (football, the school bus, something that happened at work). For now, avoid those conversations that evoke stress (bills we gotta pay, who never remembers to buy milk, the evil his mother does).
The point is to pay attention to each other. Really listen to the other person and convey that you like each other. It’s a great aphrodisiac. This shows that you are interested in your spouse and that you enjoy their company.
5. Keep a Regular Date Night: Many couples forget the importance of a regular date night. With long hours at work, school, homework, little league sports, dance lessons, PTA meetings etc., date night can become an ancient thought. However, studies show that couples who keep a regular date night have more intimacy and romance than those who forgo a regular date night.
6. Touch and Snuggle Up: Touching is powerful. Many couples with intimacy problems tell me it’s been weeks or months since they have touched each other. They don’t hold hands, and they don’t hug each other.
You cannot forget the power of touching and snuggling with each other. It’s the best way to restore and rebuild a connection with your spouse.
Just practice touching each other: holding hands and caressing each other. Always save a few minutes after you put the children to bed and snuggle up and touch each other.
Of course this will lead to other things. Just what the doctor -- and Ms. Vicki -- ordered!