Dear Ms. Vicki,
My best friend and I have known each other since we were eight years old. She is getting married in February and she wants everyone to be happy for her and act excited.
I’ve been reading your column for a while so please allow me to use one of your sayings: “It’s a train wreck waiting to happen.”
I can’t be happy for her because she is marrying a jerk! He’s a true cheater! This fool has even made several passes at me. The more I tell my best friend about his behavior, she professes her love for him even more.
She has been with him for six years, and they have a beautiful daughter together. They fuss and fight. They break up for a week or two then they get back together and start the drama all over again.
I don’t care that he is a naval officer. Just because this man looks damn good in a uniform, what does that mean? It means a jerk can wear a uniform, that’s all.
Ms. Vicki, while he was on sea duty, he got another woman pregnant. Yes, a paternity test identified him as the father because he tried to deny it. This turned into the biggest mess that had everyone pulling their hair out.
What does Mr. Naval Officer say? Well, we weren’t married so you can’t hold that against me.”
He says I’m just jealous because my husband is enlisted Navy and he has more rank and makes more money than my husband.
His behavior is getting more and more ridiculous and it’s putting a strain on the relationship with my best friend. We are like sisters, and I don’t know what to do anymore.
While she is planning this wedding, I don’t know if I will be there, let alone as her matron of honor. She says she wants the same relationship with a husband that I have, and that’s what I want for her too.
I don’t want her to be more miserable that she already is. Ms. Vicki, am I wrong if I tell her I don’t want to hear anything else about this madness?
I’m out of it. When he leaves her for days and weeks and she doesn’t know where he is, when they fuss and fight, when he doesn’t show up for her birthday party or if she is alone for the upcoming holidays, I don’t want to hear it.
I know she wants a man, but why would you lose a relationship with a great friend just to protect a man who has never been there for you?
Sincerely, A Best Friend Who’s Losing It
Dear Best Friend,
I know you care about your best friend. Many women around the world would agree with the advice that I am about to give to you: STAY OUT OF IT!
Don’t give her any more advice. I’m really serious. When she complains, when she is lonely or depressed, just say, “Yes, it must be tough, but I know you’ll be OK.” Just smile and keep it moving.
I’ve been in this situation at least three times as an adult, and trying to help friends in a relationship just like you describe. For some reason, these women will find a way to blame the friend who has been supportive and available to protect the jerk who isn’t.
You simply need to stay out of it. Your friend needs to figure out why she wants to stay with a man and protect a man who is unavailable emotionally. It’s not your problem.
If you keep fighting it, you will soon ruin your friendship. I know it’s hard to watch the train wreck that’s about to happen, but she is a grown woman.
Now, I would attend the wedding. I’m not telling you to be a hypocrite and hide your feelings. To the contrary, I’m saying attend the wedding and have a good time. I would keep my mouth closed and stay in my own lane.
You may be too young to remember when Flava-Flav was in the group called Public Enemy. Well, he had this song and the lyrics went like this: I can’t do nothing for you man, Flava-Flav’s got problems of his own.
I’m sorry but in this case, you need to be like Flava-Flav and worry about your own problems. You can absolutely tell your friend that you don’t want to hear about this craziness anymore.
If you choose not to attend the wedding, that’s your decision and I will support you either way. If this relationship with her is too overwhelming and you think you should start distancing yourself, then I can support that decision too.
This is her problem not yours, so don’t start feeling bad and taking the blame or putting the pressure on you. Keep in touch with updates when you can.
Sincerely, Ms. Vicki